


Perpetual Winter

by thefangirlslair



Series: MULTI-CHAP COLLECTION [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drama, F/M, Moving On, Pining, Regret, Reunions, Romance, Sexual Content, Suggestive Themes, Unresolved Emotional Tension, ex-lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:34:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 35,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlslair/pseuds/thefangirlslair
Summary: These are interconnected stand-alone one-shots about ex-lovers Sasuke and Sakura and how they're back in the perpetual winter of their long lost love. [Original publication date: May 2018]
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Hyuuga Neji, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke
Series: MULTI-CHAP COLLECTION [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2212119
Comments: 52
Kudos: 75





	1. Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The green man comes on, and the current of people push him forward to her, and her to him. And as they move to meet one another in a city where they both fell in and out of love with each other, he is taken back to the time where winter was just a mere season, Bon Iver was playing on their shared earphones, and Sakura was his.

Winter has never been his favorite season. 

It's not that he feels the intensity of the cold because that's not the case. Their whole clan has this inexplicable tolerance to extreme weather such as this. It's like they have this built-in furnace inside that keeps them warm all the time. 

His best friend, Naruto, has the same weird-ass characteristic. But instead of a furnace burning with fire inside his body, it seems like there's a demon living inside him, making him unbelievably winter-proof that he doesn't even need winter coats to fight the cold. 

As for him, he only needs at least two layers of clothing to feel the right amount of warmth in this chilly weather. He looks up at the sky, currently crying with snowflakes, and curses it silently. 

He continues walking towards his favorite café after purchasing poetry books down the bookstore across his apartment. His eyes are downcast and he watches his sneakers leave footprints on the sidewalk as he moves with purpose. He wants to get out of this snow and just read a goddamn book in peace with his coffee. 

He really hates winter. 

He stops at the side of the road, noticing that the red man is still on. He buries his face under the thick white scarf around his neck, and his hands inside the pocket of his black trench coat. He exhales and watches his breath evaporates as he wished that it’s spring instead of this fucking winter. 

Spring has always been his favorite season. 

He has always been a minimalist. A black-and-white person, literally and figuratively. But contrary to popular belief that he only likes neutral colors, he actually loves vivid ones. That's why he loathes winter so much because it's just drained of hues. He likes it vibrant and alive. His eyes do a sweep his surroundings. 

The red of the stoplight at the other side of the road. The yellow of the boots worn by the little boy walking with his mother. The lime green of the phone case used by this tall man in front of the group of people waiting for the green to turn on at the other side. The pink hair of the petite girl behind him. The blue of t- 

Wait. 

Pink. 

Pink hair. 

His eyes go back to the source of that rose color that halted his breathing and his heartbeat. His eyes have always been his best asset, because it never misses. 

Especially _her_. He still believes that even in a sea of people, he will always see her. Even without that ridiculous pink mane of hers, she will always stand out among the ordinary people of this earth. 

It’s like slow motion — the movement of her lips as she sings along to a song playing through her plugged earphones in which he's pretty sure is a Bon Iver song ( _"It's emo and perfect for winter! And besides, Bon Iver is literally 'good winter' in English. They're supposed to be played during cold weather so you could mope and cry!"_ ); a tendril of her pink hair caught in that mouth when the wind blew, her gloved fingers trying to brush it off; the arch of her scarf-covered neck as she looks up at the sky and offers a tiny glare; and the flutter of her eyelids as she faces the road and the spark of recognition in those emerald eyes of hers as their gazes meet. 

He can almost hear her right then and there, 15 meters between them with a throng of pedestrians just waiting to get to the other side just like the two of them, as she opens her mouth in a gasp of surprise. 

_Sasuke-_ _kun_ , she'll say. 

But to his dismay and relief, she didn't. Instead, she gives him a radiant smile; a smile that made this snow-covered world a bit brighter and better and warmer. 

He can barely breathe. He knows he wanted the spring, the colors and the hope it brings to anyone who experience it. He wanted some full living color in this monochromatic life of his and now that he got this, _her_ of all things, he can’t even swallow his own spit. 

The green man comes on, and the current of people push him forward to her, and her to him. And as they move to meet one another in a city where they both fell in and out of love with each other, he is taken back to the time where winter was just a mere season, Bon Iver was playing on their shared earphones, and Sakura was his.

* * *

**8 years ago**

_"What's your favorite song?"_

_They were cuddling together in bed, naked; her head on his shoulder with his arm around her and her fingers tracing his abs while his other arm folded under his head. It was freezing cold because of the early winter but their naked bodies offered enough heat to each other._

_He opened his sleepy eyes and turned to his girlfriend, and saw her looking up at him with those green doe eyes, "Hn?"_

_"I just realized, Sasuke-_ _kun_ _," she continued, still looking up at him. "We've been dating for like... almost a year now and I still don't know your favorite song. I rarely see you listen to music. You're always with your books and poetry."_

_"No, I'm not," he retorted. Is it bad that he likes to read?_

_"Uhm, yes you are," she said back. "Either those or your coffee or any school-related shit. I don't even see you with other people aside from Naruto, of course, and your family."_

_"And Colonel Mustard," he answered._

_"He's a cat," she answered deadpan._

_He sighed. He moved the arm under his head and used its hand to hold her cheek, "You forgot yourself." His arm around her tightened to pull her even closer. He whispered to her, "I'm always with you."_

_Sasuke saw her blush and felt her hand on his abs slap his skin. He winced a little. Seriously, her hand could either make him gasp in pleasure or in pain._

_"I know that already so stop distracting me!", she scolded him. "I_ _wanna_ _know your favorite song. I know your favorite movie, favorite author, favorite dish, favorite ice cream flavor even though you always say you hate ice cream, favorite jeans to wear just to make me think about grabbing your beautiful ass every time I see you in it. I even know your favorite sex position even if you haven't told me, for God's sake!"_

_He almost choked on that last one. She had always had no filter with her mouth and that may be her biggest flaw, but that was also her strength and charm. She was so vulgar and frank and just straight-up business when it's about to go down. And right now, it was about to go down with her._

_"If you don't say it right now, I'm not_ _gonna_ _give you head for two weeks," she warned. He would've been worried that he wouldn't get a blowjob for two long weeks if he can't get a different kind of pleasure just by seeing her come and unravel before his eyes whenever they make love._

_'As if that's the only satisfaction I get from you', he thought with a small smirk._

_He ran his hand on her side back and forth, squeezing her hip when it landed there, "I don't have any favorite song."_

_"Bullshit. Everyone has their favorite song. Why won't you tell me?", she whined. In retaliation, she also used her hand to caress his chest and abdomen. He shivered._

_"Because I don't have one," he calmly answered, his hand still running over her. They were both using the power of their touch to distract and to persuade. He likes this game, Sasuke decided._

_"Yes, you do. You just don't want to say it to me."_

_"No."_

_"Why won't you?"_

_"There's nothing to tell."_

_"Is it embarrassing?"_

_"What?"_

_They didn't notice that they moved now. She was now on top of him, her pink hair cascading down on him like a curtain that hides them from the world, with her arms caging his head as she looked down at him with determination. His hands were now both on her thighs while she straddled him, going back and forth as he felt himself get hard and heat up._

_"Is it by some artist with problematic tendencies?"_

_He rolled his eyes, "No. I just don't have one."_

_"Is it a cheesy romantic ballad?"_

_"_ _Sakura.._ _"_

_"Is it by Skrillex? I swear to God I'll strangle you."_

_"_ _Sakura.._ _"_

_"Or is it from Broadway? Don't worry, I know you like theater and plays and I do, too! I love Mi-"_

_Out of slight irritation for too much talking and the sight of her naked breast on his face, he pulled her down and kissed the hell out of her. He heard her whimper for a second, followed by her moans as soon as his tongue found its way into her mouth. He groaned in response; she goes crazy when she hears it._

_Unfortunately, it was not enough to shut her up._

_She broke the kiss and with a slight pant, "C'mon Sasuke-_ _kun_ _."_

_He flopped his arms wide open on the mattress and looked heavenwards before turning on her. "I could say the same to you. I don't know your favorite song too."_

_That made her halt in her movements, which was crawling backward to sit on his crotch. She sat on his abdomen instead, "Really?"_

_It was a given that she would question him regarding this since she tells him absolutely almost everything—from her latest discovered band to a recent discovery in medicine by a genius dude whose name he doesn't even remember, she shares it with him. Favorite anime character, favorite memory with him, favorite pair of underwear— he knew it all because she's that open to him about things she loves._

_But his sharp memory told him that she forgot to include her favorite song. It was hard for Sasuke to remember things that didn’t have any business with him, especially things he doesn't care about. But since Sakura was his only business and definitely the_ _woman_ _he most care about next to his mother, anything that tumbles out of her mouth would automatically find its way to the storage in his brain and his heart. And it would be there for him to remember forever, no matter how mundane it is such as a favorite scented candle or favorite episode of How I Met Your Mother._

_He sighed while staring at her fondly, "Really." She just stared back, her head tilting slightly like a puppy as she processes this new information. She looked absolutely adorable in his eyes and he felt his lips turn into a soft smile._

_'Too cute', he thought. If she wasn’t naked on top of him right now, he would’ve told her out loud._

_Before he could even reach out to caress her stomach, she got up from her position on his abdomen and hopped out of bed. He leaned on his elbow to watch her rummage through her bag, as nonchalant as a newborn baby could be in just her skin and nothing else, and he continued to watch in awe and fascination._

_"Yosh!", she exclaimed after a few moments. She turned around and flopped down on the bed on her stomach, with her hands holding her_ _iPod_ _. She plugged in her earphones on the device and looked at him dead in the eye, "I love this dude named Justin Vernon."_

_He was still leaning on his elbows when he suddenly sat up straight, "What the fu- who the fuck is h- I swear to God Sak-" and continued to sputter shit._

_"Shut your hole and let me speak_ _you_ _dumb baby," she covered his mouth shut. "Do you think I'm capable of loving someone other than you?"_

_Sasuke immediately didn't know what to say at that and even felt his stomach flutter a bit. He blinked once, twice, while looking at her. He was about to lean closer to her when she added, "Though this dude could be a close second."_

_His reins were up again and this time, Sakura just laughed at him. 'The audacity!' he thought internally._

_She removed her hand on his mouth and continued, "He's a dude that once holed up in his father's hunting cabin in the mountains after a break-up and a lot of shit, and wrote the best album of all time."_

_After that, he found himself sitting with his back against the headboard of his bed, watching and listening to the love of his life talk about her love for this sad and broken man who made her favorite album. And for the first time, he didn't feel jealous that she's talking about some other guy and how she loves him so. He actually felt sorry for him, and yes, a bit impressed too. Making a classic album after a painful experience? That's neat._

_He didn’t know the pain to be dealt with when you've broken up with someone because Sakura was his first girlfriend. And honestly, he doesn't,_ couldn't _, even think about being apart from her. Just the thought of them breaking up was already making him panic a little. He always thought to himself, 'I will never let that happen.'_

_His position against the head of the bed gave him a perfect view of her lying on her stomach, still animatedly talking about the girl, popularly known as Emma, who broke this Justin's heart and inspired him to write a whole record._

_Then she played a whole album for him, from start to finish. A roller coaster of emotions passed through him. He never knew music could transport you into another realm like this. At one time they stopped using the earphone splitter as they both listen to the whole album in separate earphones._

_They shared one pair of earphones and she finally played her favorite song which was also the last track on the record, "This is my favorite song of all time. It's called_ _Re: Stacks_ _."_

_Strums of guitar started to pour through and then he heard the song she loves very much. He heard a song of a broken man. His words pierced through Sasuke and he found himself closing his eyes to absorb it all— the pain, the longing, and the acceptance in the end._

_He didn't notice that the song already ended until he felt Sakura gently straddle his lap which made him open his eyes. He saw her looking at him, with a soft smile grazing her pink lips. "Hi," she whispered sweetly._

_He continued staring at her while removing the earbud from his ear. He sighed deeply and murmured back, "Hi."_

_"What do you think? You seemed to like it," she whispered again, still smiling at him, her hand reaching out to push his bangs back away from his face._

_He nodded, "It's beautiful." The intimacy of the moment made them want to whisper to each other as if there was an audience watching and listening. He caressed her thighs straddling his hips, "He seemed to be in so much pain and disbelief, but there's a feeling of acceptance and letting go in the end. Sad but beautiful."_

_She smiled brightly at him, making him tighten his hands on her thighs. She's beautiful and she makes his heart ache so goddamn good. "I'm glad you liked it," Sakura said. Her eyes suddenly trained downcast and her fingers fumbled with the chain on his neck._

_He frowned for a moment, not knowing what caused the sudden change in her demeanor. She was such an open book and add that with the years of being friends and lovers, he could instantly tell what she's feeling with just one glance._

_He lifted her face by using his hand, the other tugging her closer so he could prop his knees up, "What is it?"_

_Sakura looked at him quietly, her green eyes slowly sweeping the features on his face. She traced it with her fingers and when she reached his mouth, Sasuke gently puckered his lips to kiss them. It made her smile._

_"I know it's a sad song," she started. "Hell, the whole album is a sad one. Justin wrote it about 'Emma' and he was heartbroken and in despair for so long. Emma broke his heart — shattered it even."_

_She licked her lips and subtly shakes her head. Then she continued talking, now looking at his lips, "And I know we're happy and I'm hopelessly in love with you and I know you love me too, but..."_

_Green eyes met his black ones, "I want you to know that you're my Emma. You always will be."_

_Sasuke's heart skipped a beat. She said it so achingly vulnerable and soft and heartfelt that he felt it in his bones, rattling everything he believes in. She could tell him the world is square and he would believe her if she talks and looks at him like this._

_She continued to babble, words tumbling out of her mouth trying to convey her feelings. He listened._

_"And if I could write songs— damn if I could write a whole album— it would be about you. About us. About you and your stoic perfect face that makes me frustrated and flustered at once. The way you push your hair back, your eyes, your hands; everything about you. I will get holed up in a cave or in my own room and pour my heart in every song like Justin did and make you an album, but I couldn't do that and I could only say these things to your face like this and I hope it's enough. I hope it's enough for you to never leave me, I hope that I'm good enough for you. And just like Emma, you will always have a piece of my heart when and if, God forbid, we ever broke up. I wi-"_

_He couldn't take it anymore. His heart was about to burst out from his chest and her words were starting to get ridiculous because who would_ dare _leave her? How could he ever leave her, let alone_ think _about leaving her? If it ever comes to worst, which he would fight so hard not to happen, he won't be the one to leave. Sakura might just realize how much he lacks and how unworthy he is, and that's when she leaves; but right now, she's here. And she loves him._

_And so, he did what he does best._

_He grabbed her face and slammed his mouth against hers. Sasuke heard her whimper and he kissed her harder. 'Mine. Mine. Mine,' he selfishly said in his head._

_Her arms wound around his neck as he cradles her face closer to his, pouring his feelings through their passionate kiss. He felt something wet on his face and realized that Sakura was crying._

_She has always been emotional and Sasuke knew she feels intense emotions at the moment that's why she was shedding tears. It made him break their liplock and kissed away her tears on her cheeks to her eyes. He felt her smile against his face and he kissed her again, softly this time. When he broke the kiss for the second time, he stared intently at her, "I love you."_

_Sasuke shook her head a little to let her know he's serious, "Sakura, I love you. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're mine just as I am yours, and I love you so much."_

_Sasuke would always be reserved when it comes to his emotions and hearing these words of love, affection and reassurance made Sakura cry a little harder. She hugged him, her arms tightening around his shoulders and her face buried against his neck. He kissed her hair, his own arms caging her to him._

_They continued being like that— with the pursuit of knowing Sasuke's favorite song forgotten, with Sasuke's words earlier still reverberating around the room, and his unsaid ones echoing inside his heart, body, and soul:_

_'You're my Emma too, Sakura.'_

* * *

They meet at the center of the road. From up above, you'll see two opposite colors at the middle of the lane with a stream of people continuously going back and forth around them like a stream — her pink strands and his black mane. There they stand, onyx orbs meeting jade ones. 

Sasuke looks at her — just that. Words have left him once his eyes reached her figure from across the road. It's all he can do right now, just look at her and contemplate whether this is fate or a mere coincidence; a blessing or a curse. Maybe God has heard his prayers and is now spitting on him. 

He opens his mouth to taste her name from his lips, unmentioned for the past 6 years. His friends have been very careful around him after their breakup. No one mentions her name. During spring, the term cherry blossom is always used instead. 

He wants to know now if the familiar sweep of his tongue when he calls her still gives him a sense of belongingness and home because only God knows how much he's never been home all these years. He will do just that when she removes her earbuds and beats him to it. 

"Sasuke." 

He might've shivered a little. Not from the cold, not even from the cadence of her voice or the familiarity of her eyes. It's from the little ache in his heart because it has been such a long time. 

He also noticed how she called him without that suffix. Sasuke feels it sting a bit. He swallows hard before greeting her back by saying, "Sakura." 

She smiles, "Hi." 

Her smile still brings a tiny smirk from him, earning him another smile from her. She always knew how to push his right buttons. "Hi," he murmurs back. 

She looks around then, her eyes darting throughout their surroundings, "As much as I want to stand here and try to look like we're shooting a music video in the middle of the road, we can't." 

She laughs at that and surprising him, grabs his arm and leads him towards the direction he was going. She pulls him so that they can walk side by side and asks him, "You're going to buy coffee and read, right?" 

Surprise must've been written all over his face for she laughs a little and nods her head towards the paper bag of books he's holding. He looks down on it as she continues to say teasingly, "You always need coffee when you read. You still haven't changed, Sasuke! Let me guess... Bukowski?" 

He's never been so glad to have his scarf around his neck until now because he knows that his nape just turned red, as is his ears which Sakura noticed. She laughs again and he can’t help but blurt out, "Shut up." 

They continue to walk until they reached his favorite café. He opens the door for her and she halts in her steps, looks at him with an amazed expression, "Whoa there. You've never opened the door for me before. This is new. Thanks." She proceeds to enter and left him there, still holding the door open, thinking about what she said. 

_'Really?'_ he thinks to himself. 

Sasuke follows her inside where he's sure she will pick a spot near the glass windows so she can see the people outside. She always liked to observe people when they're mostly in their most unpretentious, which is simply walking down the street. 

But she surprised him again by choosing seats against the wall opposite the glass windows. Above their seats on the wall is a black and white picture of a couple sitting on a bench with shared earplugs and holding hands. 

_'How apt,'_ he comments in his head. Then he hears it from Sakura herself, "Hey, don't they remind you of us before? Ah, nostalgic." 

She removes her white trench coat and now sitting, sporting a military green turtleneck sweater and denim jeans with black knee-high boots. He admits she looked good, extremely good, and he pushes his thoughts away. He berates himself inwardly, 'Now is not the time moron.' 

He nods his head in answer as he removes his coat and scarf, leaving him with a dark blue sweater. He places his paper bag of books under the table and says, "I'll order now." 

Sasuke knows her usual— coffee with one pack of sugar and three packs of cream— so he didn't bother asking her. That's why when he’s about to go to the counter, Sakura interrupts him with, "I quit coffee a long time ago, Sasuke." 

That makes him stop on his tracks and faces her again. She smiles a little, "I'll have black tea. Oh, and a strawberry muffin. Thanks." 

He blinks for a while, then nods his head in understanding. He goes to the counter and orders for them. As he waited, he watches her from the corner of his eye. His eyes take her in for the nth time since laying his eyes on her again after six goddamn years. 

Many things about her took him by surprise— her preference for a spot inside the café and her liking to black tea, her pink hair now in a messy bun at the top of her head revealing her forehead (she was insecure about her forehead before that's why she always wore her hair down with bangs covering it), and her being a bit more reserved, unlike before where she's always on her feet most of the time because she's full of energy and enthusiasm. She looks sophisticated now, with her dark red lipstick on her lips. She’s never the dark color type of girl, but now she looks fierce and classy even with just lipstick on and nothing else on her face. 

But there are still things that didn't change. She's still short; a bit taller than she was back then but still way shorter than him. She reaches his chin before but now, she's able to barely reach his nose. She still loves taking pictures of everything whether it's a cute dog that passes by her, a pretty graffiti she spots when they're in the car, or her shoes for the day. Right now, it's the neon signs of the café, with her fingers posing to make a finger heart for her to capture. 

_Fucking adorable_ , he thought. 

Above all, she's still bubbly. After all the shit that happened, he's extremely glad she never lost her bubbly personality. He remembers the last time they saw each other, how broken she looked that night when they broke up, how much self-control it took for him not to reach out and take back all that he said. He’s afraid he took out the best parts of her. But seeing her now made him release a thorn on his pierced heart, relieving him some of the ache that still lingers. 

A tap on his shoulder wakes him from his thoughts. He turns around and sees their literature professor in college, Kakashi Hatake. 

"Mr. Uchiha, what a pleasant surprise," the gray-haired man exclaims, his ever-present mask still covering half of his face. They never knew what he looks like. 

"Sir," Sasuke replies. This earns a chuckle from Kakashi. He hears him say, "Still stiff as a board, I see." 

Sasuke snorts, "Still nosy." 

Kakashi laughs, "Been a while since I saw you here. I heard you moved out of Japan for good? Since what? 5 years ago?" 

"Six, actually. I got back last year. Gotta take care of family business since..." Sasuke trails off. 

Kakashi's eyes seem to soften at that and undeniably filled with pity. He nods somberly, "Yeah... Your brother would have been proud of you." 

His throat constricts at that statement. A pair of black eyes as dark as his looking at him— fondly, teasingly, lovingly— makes its way to his mind. 

_Itachi_ _._

Everyone in Tokyo, probably in all of Japan, know the death of Itachi Uchiha 7 years ago. Just a simple visit at the grocery, a luxury he didn't have in his leisure since he's the heir of the biggest manufacturing company in Asia, and all of a sudden found dead inside because he chose to protect the mother and child from being shot by a robber. 

Everyone tells Sasuke he was a noble man. People he didn't even know showed up on his wake and said their condolences, and he said choked-up thanks, and he held onto Sakura's hand tightly because nothing seemed to anchor him to reality anymore. Sasuke watched as his mother cried until she passed out, his father stared into space as he held his wife, and his own self drowns in anger and misery. 

How dare Itachi leave him alone? How dare Itachi sacrifice himself and die? How dare Itachi pass his responsibilities onto his shoulders, uncontrollably shaking so hard because of the wrecking sobs he let out once in the comfort of his dead brother's room? 

Sasuke averts his eyes for he knows Kakashi is as sharp as any investigator and he might see through him. He just nods in response. 

The other man noticed the change in Sasuke so he changes the topic, "So are you still with my favorite student?" 

That made Sasuke look back at Kakashi and stammers a little, "I- I- uhh.." 

Kakashi's sharp eyes roam around the café and obviously lights up when it landed on pink. He looks back at Sasuke slyly, "I see." 

Sasuke opens his mouth to tell him that he's wrong but unfortunately, his order is already called. Kakashi just pats his shoulder again and salutes at him, taking lazy strides as he walks out of the café, his iconic copy of the first volume of Icha-Icha peeking through the pocket of his sling bag. Sasuke shakes his head. 

Lifting his and Sakura's orders back to their table, Sasuke composed himself as he makes his way to her. They might not be the same as before, but he knows Sakura can see immediately through him if there are thoughts running through his head. 

He sees Sakura leaning against the table; her left arm folded across her chest on the table and her right folded at the elbow as she grips her phone. She finally took off her gloves, the said item tossed in her bag. When he placed down the tray, she takes her eyes off the phone and gives him a small smile. As he sat down, he hears, "Thanks." He just nods as a reply. What can he say anyway? 

"Was that Kakashi sensei back there earlier?", she asks. "I think I saw his anti-gravity hair but didn't see his mask coz you were blocking it." She laughs a bit as she sips her tea. 

_Anti-gravity hair,_ he chuckled inwardly. He fights a laugh as well, "Aa. He just annoyed me." 

She giggles, "That old man, still nosy as hell huh? For a guy, he's so nosy that it's borderline intrusive! But why didn't he come over and talk to me? We haven't seen each other for so long! Wow, so much for being his favorite pupil." 

He sips his hot coffee as he looks at her, "He likes his porn better than you." 

She almost chokes with her muffin. "True, but at least I know what he looks like underneath," she smugly comments while smothering a chuckle. 

Sasuke's eyes widen, silently asking her to confirm if what he heard was right. She laughs a bit and teasingly says, "Don't worry. You're still much better looking. Though he's a really close second, I'm telling you." Then she chuckles again, making him smile genuinely. 

Sasuke's heart skips a little. It’s just like old times when they were teens, with their gazes lingering a bit too long to consider as a friendly look. They did this a lot when they were in high school having study breaks in the coffee shop near their school with their undying affectionate banter filling up their space. Even when surrounded by friends, they always seem to have their own little world where only the two of them exist. 

They were each other's first love. And right at this moment, 6 years past the best and worst times of his life, Sasuke's heart lights up with inexplicable spark. One more smile from her and he will light up like forest fire. 

A shrill of a phone ringing catches his attention; 

a radiant grin from her catches his breath; 

and a glimmer of something shiny on her left hand stops it altogether. 

It all happened in slow motion — the way her eyes shift from him to the black device on the table, the way her teeth are slowly revealed as she smiles brightly after seeing the name of the caller, the way her left hand's ring finger containing the offending platinum band with a diamond hurt his eyes as she accepts the call. 

Then he hears her sweetly say, "Neji-kun." 

And the forest fire of hope inside him dissipates with the heavy rain of his despair falling down on him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a repost of my 2018 fic. this is my crown and glory. not my first fic, but it's the first fic that i have invested a lot of emotions into. this was so hard to write but this first part was inspired by bon iver's re:stacks. this stemmed out from my initial idea of two former lovers seeing each other again as they cross the street, and one of them reminisce as they meet each other in the middle.
> 
> the next parts would be more emotional. but as stated on the description for this story, they're all stand-alone one-shots, so you don't need to read the next ones if you don't want to. (though i hope you still do hehe) i will finish this fic okay. i will. thanks!!!
> 
> ps. the tags will be updated as we go along, too. the rating might change as well. let's see.


	2. Special Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She just buried her face on his clothed chest, murmuring his name in her sleep. Sasuke felt her arm wrapped around his waist and her leg lifted to his hip. His heart ached.
> 
> 'It hurts. It hurts so much. Please.'
> 
> With a kiss on her forehead, a face buried against her neck as his eyes gathered moisture, a pair of arms wrapped around her tight as if embedding her to him — Sasuke lets go.

**7 years ago**

  
_"You don't have to do this, Sasuke."_

  
_The melancholy and heartbreak behind his mother's words were heard that he almost choked. He couldn't look at her eyes, at both of his parents' eyes, because they'll know he's weak. He's crippled by the death of his one and only brother, the weight of his new responsibilities as the heir, and the inevitable impending doom of his relationship with Sakura._

  
_He's absolutely terrified._

  
_It's been a week since they buried Itachi, gone too soon because he chose to be the martyr, as he always does._

  
_'Did', Sasuke corrected in his mind. 'The bastard.'_

  
_He gave a long sigh, still with his eyes glued on the table. He never saw the sympathy from his mother's eyes, as well as the concern in his father's._

  
_It was a long week for him. It almost felt like years. He had been running on autopilot since then. How could you function when a big part of yourself died? The part of him where Itachi occupied, and will always occupy, is now a giant void in his being. He felt hollow. Numb. Dead._

  
_The only moments he felt he's somehow a real person, alive and breathing, was when Sakura was holding his hand, whispering love and patience, loving him in tenderness and compassion._

  
_Memories of her voice coming through his phone when he called her that night of Itachi's incident pierced his heart. He remembered his barely coherent words of disbelief and agony tumbling from his blubbering mouth; the echo of his voice saying 'He's gone, Sakura. He's gone. Itachi's gone' as if saying it will make it less real, and the reassurance he felt when she said that he needs to hold on because she's coming to him._

  
_She's the only anchor he's got right now and the thought of letting her go because of his newly acquired burdens were so painful already. He felt his chest tighten. He's scared as shit, not knowing what to do. He knew that he had to do this; to do what Itachi would've done._

_But there was a voice inside his head and his heart saying, 'But you're no martyr, asshole. You're not Itachi. You're Sasuke and you're a selfish prick. What the fuck are you doing?'_

  
_His father's voice echoed through the empty living room as he spoke, getting Sasuke out of his reminiscing, "I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. But you're right... I need you. I can never trust anyone else other than you to take care of this, Sasuke."_

  
_"But he's still just a kid. He's just 19 for god's sake, Fugaku! He has his dreams to take," Mikoto retorted. Her eyes were welling up with tears; Sasuke knew this even if he doesn't see it. He could hear it from her voice and it made him ache on the inside._

  
_"He's not gonna be 19 forever, Mikoto," Fugaku answered back. "I gave him a choice on this matter, and he's decided."_

  
_Mikoto cried, "Don't you think it's too soon? I buried my first-born just barely a week ago and now we're discussing how you're gonna ruin my youngest's life just like you did with Itachi?!"_

  
_The way her voice cracked when she said his brother's name broke his heart. She was still grieving, probably forever, and here they were talking about Sasuke's suicide._

  
_His mother turned to him and said, "Sasuke, you can say no to all of this. I don't want you living your life like Itachi used to. I don't want you missing out on the world you still have to experience." She was all-out crying now, her tears streaming down her face. Sasuke was trembling from fighting the urge to look at her face._

  
_"Sasuke," she whispered brokenly. "Please."_

  
_Fugaku just turned his gaze away from his wife and son. He didn't want to do this either. He saw how this changed Itachi's life, how his eldest son slowly deteriorated before his eyes because of the responsibilities he had to carry as the heir of their company. But he heard no complaints from him — always a smile on his face saying "Don't worry, father. I made my choice, and I choose our family." As much as it made him proud, it also made him feel regretful and guilty. Itachi never experienced the life he always wanted, and for that, Fugaku will always blame himself. Now his youngest son was about to do the same thing, and he's here yet again to see it all unfold._

  
_Conflicted as he was, Sasuke has decided. He would continue what Itachi started. He would take on the role of the new heir and take over the company. He would take care of it as much as Itachi did for these past years._

  
_It would cost him a lot, too much, but he would do it for the memory of his dead brother. He would take on the role of the martyr he never was, and take on the life his mother fought so hard not to taint him._

  
_"I'll do it," he finally whispered to his parents. He took a deep breath and faced them for the first time since they started talking. "For Itachi."_

  
_The living room of the Uchiha household that night witnessed fear, pain, and heartbreak — F_ _ugaku's fear over the effects of all these on Sasuke, Mikoto's pain over the decision of her only living son, and Sasuke's heartbreak for the course of action he's about to take after this night._

  
_Tonight will be the last night... and he had never been more scared in his life._

* * *

_Sasuke went up to Sakura's apartment right after his talk with his parents. Walking around the city towards her place felt like a lifetime ago when he finally reached her door._ _He didn't need to knock. After almost 2 years of being together, they both have a key to their place — he to her apartment, and she to his house and room. Sasuke inserted the key to her door and silently opened it._

  
_Sakura's one-bedroom apartment was slightly dimmed. The short hallway that leads to her small living room with a sofa and a flat-screen tv was silent as he closed the door._

  
_As soon as her scent hit his nose, he was flooded by memories from when they were friends 'til they became lovers — the two of them playing chess on the living room floor with, of course, her always beating him in every intense game; them watching horror movies while sitting on her couch and eating whatever he cooked for them; both of them with Naruto on the small veranda, talking and bickering until dawn; him kissing her on the cheek for the first time on her doorstep before he left her place with her looking up at him with those damned eyes of hers; them never making it in her bedroom after a huge argument that ended up with them having sex against the wall right beside her front door. Sasuke turned to look at it and remembered how hot and intense that was, and it only made his heart constrict more._

  
_He wished this was only another silly argument that would inevitably end up with them tangled on each other, breathing each other's breath, and the same intense emotions running through their systems as they come high and come together._

  
_Because that's the only way for Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura — they might fly to another place, leave for another planet, escape to another universe — but they always come back to where they belong._

  
_Together. With each other._

  
_His feet dragged him further into her apartment where he feels more at home than his own house. Almost two years of being in Sakura's arms, basking every day in her love and support, really does that to anyone. Even the toughest of men could become a puddle just by letting your gaze linger too long on her. That's how powerful she is._

  
_He stopped when he reached the slightly opened door of her bedroom. Sasuke always chastises her with her lack of regard for her safety but with the heaviness of his heart at the moment, he couldn't seem to care about it. All he wanted right now was to see her and sleep this nightmare off. He opened the door silently and he saw her._

  
_With her comforter up to her chin, he couldn't see what she's wearing. But knowing her, she might be wearing one_ _of his old high school t-shirts that she stole from him. She liked to flaunt it to him whenever he's there for sleepovers, and he was always there to make sure she gets the attention she deserves._

  
_She was sleeping now, her pink hair in a messy knot at the top of her hair and her green irises currently hidden by her closed lids with those curled eyelashes. Her mouth was slightly opened and a soft snore could be heard where he stood by the doorway. His eyes softened at the scene._

  
_Normal. Nothing new. Constant._ _But it never fails to make him feel like it's the most extraordinary sight to see. Only for him, though. Only for him._

  
_But this would all stop after this night. He would never be able to see this scene ever again and it ate Sasuke on the inside. He fought the choked sound that threatened to come out of his mouth as realization hits._

  
_'Why did you fucking agree to this fucked up shit, you dumbass? Why did you have to bring this upon her? Upon the both of you?'_

  
_As if sensing the turmoil in his whole being, Sakura shifted in her sleep. Her brows met and she let out a soft grunt as she turned to her side. A few moments later, her breathing went back to an even tempo and Sasuke knew she went back to sleep. He let out a pained breath._

  
_Sasuke gently closed her door and approached her side of the bed. He slowly knelt on the floor facing her, his hand traveling from the soft mattress to her cheek. He traced her jaw with his finger gently, afraid that she might finally wake up._

  
_How many nights has he done this? How many nights has he soaked in his reality that Sakura is there with him, all loving and soft and true? How many nights did he spend just looking at her sleeping face, praying to a god he doesn't believe in anymore that she will stay by his side forever?_

  
_He pulled his hand away, folded it on the mattress together with his other hand, and laid his chin on them as his dark eyes bore onto her face. He could hear the faint sound of her clock ticking— as if reminding him that this is the last time; that there is no time. But he paid no heed to it because right at this moment, there was still the two of them in this four-cornered room where they made love for the first time; where she first laid her guards down for him to see underneath her pinks and greens; where he first thought he could never love anyone as much as he loves Haruno Sakura._

  
_They still exist at this moment, and he would treasure every single second left._

  
_He stood up and went to the other side of the bed to pull off his sweater and his pants, leaving him in his black t-shirt and boxers. He gently lifted her comforter and slipped in beside her at her back. His arm went under her neck to wrap around her shoulders, and the other one around her waist to pull her closer to him. He held on to her as tight as his wide-shut eyes. Sasuke inhaled deep and smelled regret, longing, and love._

  
_He felt her move. Her hands softly caressed the arm on her waist and gently squeezed. Her gestures only made Sasuke more desperate to hold her so he tightened his grip on her, only to loosen it a bit for he felt her moving around to face him._

  
_Sasuke never saw her lids reveal those orbs he already misses, and he never demanded it. He thought it's for the best, for he knows his strong façade would crumble once he sees those eyes of hers. They have always been his weakness._ She _would always be._

  
_She just buried her face on his clothed chest, murmuring his name in her sleep. Sasuke felt her arm wrapped around his waist and her leg lifted to his hip. His heart ached._

  
_'It hurts. It hurts so much. Please.'_

  
_With a kiss on her forehead, a face buried against her neck as his eyes gathered moisture, a pair of arms wrapped around her tight as if embedding her to him — Sasuke lets go._

* * *

_'"Let's break up. I don't want this anymore. I don't want you anymore, Sakura."_

  
_Words I don't even mean came out of my mouth. I don't know what I'm doing. What is happening to me?_

  
_I saw her face then, and I wish I never did. She looked so devastated, her tears silently rolling down her cheeks while her eyes spoke a million things._

  
_Wait! I don't mean them! Don't cry! Please! I love you!_

  
_I desperately wanted to scream these words out loud, but all I do was just stare blankly at her. I don't see my face but I know it's in that cold expression I show everyone except her. Never to her. She's everything to me. I love her. I love her so much._

  
_Her voice came ringing into my ear, utterly devoid of life and the Sakura-ness of her tone. "I hate you."_

  
_I saw her spit those three words and I braced myself for the pain but nothing came. All I felt was cold detachment and I wanted to punch my face to feel something. What the fuck is wrong with me?!_

  
_Sakura turned around and ran away from me. I will my legs to move, to follow her, to chase her and never let her go, but my damn self just continued to stand there and followed her retreating form with my blank eyes._

  
_Until I heard a loud screech and then colliding sounds of metal to flesh. Then, a scrunch. I followed the sound with my gaze and found Sakura on the road, her blood spilling beneath her head. It was pooling underneath her small form and the pink cashmere sweater, my favorite, that she wore for me absorbing the crimson liquid of her life._

  
_I screamed inside, but still, my feet won't move. I continue to watch as she struggled to breathe, as she craned her neck to the sky to take a breath to her lungs._

  
_Sakura! Sakura! Sakura!_

  
_I don't know what the fuck is happening. This never meant to happen. I never wanted this. I don't want this. Please. Please. Please. Someone!_

  
_People with blurred faces started to crowd over her dying form in the middle of the road. They're all staring at her, watching her slowly die. Some even took pictures and some even scoffed as if it was a joke. Can't they fucking call an ambulance?! Help her!_

  
_A figure from the car that hit her emerged from the dark. The headlights of the car illuminated the scene and made the face of the driver unrecognizable. Then he spoke, using a voice that sounds so fucking familiar._

  
_"You killed her."_

  
_The crowd opened up and the dark figure stepped forward to crouch beside Sakura's now dead body. I could finally see the gruesome scene — her eyes were open revealing green eyes now dull without light in them, her mouth slightly opened as blood came out._

  
_The headlights now illuminated the driver's face and the sight made me tremble from within._

  
_The driver was me._

  
_I killed her._

  
_"You killed her, Sasuke," the man who was me beside Sakura told me again. He reached out to lift her head for me to see her dead face clearly. He looked at me as well and I wanted to scream. I wanted to look away but I couldn't._

  
_Please. Make it stop._

  
_I killed her._

  
_"You killed her!", he shouted out. Anger, frustration, pain — all in those three words. "You killed her, you fucking coward!"_

  
_Then the blurred faces of the crowd slowly turned to me one by one, revealing their faces that made me want to die._

  
_They're all Sakura, bloodied cheeks and lifeless eyes and all that she wasn't supposed to be. And one by one, they chanted the same thing._

  
_"You killed me."_   
_"You killed me."_   
_"You killed me."_   
_"You killed me."_   
_"You killed me."_

  
_It never stops. In my head, it never stopped. It all started on a whisper and now they're all shouting it to the heavens and I'm desperately gasping for air and I killed her and I killed her and I killed her and I wanted to die._

  
_I want to die._

  
_Someone. Please._

  
_Sakura!'_

* * *

_"Sasuke!"_

  
_Sasuke woke up with a gasp, his hand automatically reached out to his chest as if trying to hold his beating heart. His eyes were wild and frantic, his skin bathing in a cold sweat that made his t-shirt cling to them. He felt hands running over his chest and arms, and he heard soothing noises beside him. His eyes, filled with quiet dread, found her awakened form leaning over him and wearing his white high school t-shirt with those eyes showing concern and support._

  
_'You're alive,' he said in his thoughts. He didn't know he said it out loud when he heard Sakura answer._

  
_"It's just a dream,_ _Sasuke-kun," her soft voice found its way to him, somehow calming his frantic heartbeat. Her hand was now on top of his chest, the other brushing his hair away from his sweaty face._

  
_"Y-you.. you died," Sasuke stammered under his breath, his eyes roaming all over her face, checking for some speck of blood or evidence of her tears. His fingers found her cheek, slowly traced them as his eyes do the same._

  
_He continued with his voice slowly becoming softer and softer, "I saw you.. you ran a-.. you ran away from me and then t-the car hit you and it was because of me and I ki-.."_

  
_He stopped abruptly. His hand fell away from her face and Sasuke looked at her, eyes wide open reflecting horror and pain. He opened his mouth to speak but they won't come out._

  
_'I killed you,' he wanted to say, but he got choked up with the words and now he was seriously trying hard to breathe. He was gasping for air again, still looking at Sakura, and he could see how she tried to calm him down and let him breathe. He couldn't hear anything other than his heart beating too loudly against his chest as if trying to get out._

  
_Sasuke suddenly found himself being lifted by Sakura, still trying to calm him down. He was now sitting on the bed, and she was kneeling on it facing him, running her hands over him as she slays his demons down._

  
_"I'm here," he heard her murmur under her breath. "I'm here, Sasuke-kun. It was just a dream. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."_

  
_He has now sagged against her, his terrifying nightmare finally taken its toll on him that it made him feel like he's made of jelly. His head was cradled by Sakura against her chest, making him hear the pounding of her heart, and letting him know she's alive._

  
_That lone fact made Sasuke's heart constrict, and made him release a quiet breath of relief. His arms found their way around her small figure, tightened them, and crushed her against him for him to feel her more; to really know that she's there and not dead._

  
_A whimper came out of his mouth because of too much emotion, but he smothered them by pushing his face against her neck. Sasuke breathed her in and thought 'she's alive she's alive she's alive' as her scent and warmth greeted him back. He felt her own face on his hair, soothing words still spilling from her lips._

  
_"I got you, Sasuke-kun," she says. "I got you. I got you. It's okay, I got you."_

  
_It was all not enough for Sasuke so he pulled his head away from her creamy neck and faced her. He saw her green irises and her pink lips and he loves her, so he grabbed her head and kissed her hard on her mouth._

  
_Sasuke was still gripped by fear and the hard pounding of his heart says it all. It wouldn't go away even as he roughly kissed her, drowning himself in the pleasure of hearing her quiet moans and tasting her delicious tongue. He pushed her down the bed and leaned over her. His hands found her knees and spread them wide open, only to grind himself against her. They moaned together._

  
_But the image of her dead form bathing in her own blood was still vivid on his head, so he kissed her harder with his trembling hands running all over her body. His hand found his way under his old thin shirt she was wearing and grasped her breast, while his other hand was tightly wrapped around the hair on her nape. His lips were now on her neck, biting and sucking and kissing, and her moans and grunts were beginning to get loud and needy._

  
_Sasuke left her neck to push up her worn shirt, only to place his hot mouth on her aching breast. He thoroughly sucked her hardened peak earning him a low moan of pleasure, and in his frantic state, he still felt his dick hardened in response. He moaned in return and continued his assault on the other as his hand traveled down to her panties and inside them._

  
_He almost growled when he found her already wet and ready for him. Sasuke removed his lips from her chest and looked at her face. She was panting and biting her lip hard, her hands both wound around his neck. Her eyes stared back up at him hidden in half-closed lids, her mouth agape. His long fingers found their way inside her and he heard her gasp of surprise but later turned into a mumbled version of his name as his fingers picked up their pace._

  
_"Sasuke-kun," Sasuke heard her voice laced with desire and lust that he couldn't help but kiss her for it, and he almost came right then and there when his tongue entered her warm mouth. His fingers abruptly pulled out from her and tugged her panties off, almost ripping it in half in his aggression. He heard her gasp in pain for a second but he paid it no mind. All he could think about at the moment was being inside of her._

  
_He tugged his boxers down, not even taking it off completely. In his mind, if he's not inside her in the next second, the nightmare was gonna get her and he's gonna lose her for real and he couldn't take that. Being deep within her, that's the only thing that will ensure his fears of being far away from her._

  
_Sasuke gave his hard member a few pumps before he slowly put on his tip against her clit to rub several times, and finally went down to enter her. His eyes almost rolled at the back of his head because she was gripping him tightly inside her and he couldn't help but curse aloud._

  
_"Fuck," he panted against her neck. His tongue darted out to lick her skin coated in her sweat and his saliva. Sasuke inhaled deeply as he pulled out completely before slamming into her again._

  
_He was afraid he might see her with dead eyes and her mouth full of blood so he kept his face on her neck, never even thinking for a moment that he's now fucking her like a madman. Her cries of both pain and pleasure reverberated around her room, her hands desperately hanging onto his clothed back, clawing at his shirt for support. Her slender legs were tightly wrapped around his hips as he gripped her thighs while he pushed in and out of her fast and hard. He couldn't hear a thing except for his own mind._

  
_'Don't go. Stay with me. Don't leave me.'_

  
_He didn't even hear himself whimpering throughout._

  
_He closed his eyes tightly and focused on ramming into her, desperate and almost out of breath but he continued plunging into her until he felt her hands holding his head to face her._

  
_Sasuke stopped his movem_ _ents as they both looked into each other, both panting and flushed, still joined as one. Her green eyes roamed his face, searching for something he couldn't tell. "Hey," she whispered._

  
_His breath came in puffs hitting her mouth and vice versa. He could feel her hot breath on his face and he badly wanted to look down to admire her opened mouth but her wide eyes were slowly sucking him in. He couldn't let himself look away even with his blurred vision._

  
_Sakura kissed him gently on the lips, brushing them together once, and then pecked him again. "It's alright. You're here. We're here, Sasuke-kun."_

  
_Then he felt her fingers wipe away his damp cheeks. Not from sweat, but from his tears._

  
_It's been a week after Itachi's funeral, and he never cried since. He never cried in front of anyone that time, not even Sakura. He let it all out once he got the chance to enter Itachi's room after the service, and he cried himself to sleep on his dead brother's bed._

  
_And now, his tears silently rolled down his cheeks. Looking at her now, he saw it all — her in a white lab coat as he picks her up from work, her in a white wedding dress as she walks down the aisle, her in a white apron as she cooks for him and their future children._

  
_All these possibilities, all these dreams; it hasn't even begun, and now it's all ending. He remembered his responsibilities now as an heir and remembered the promise he made for his parents and Itachi._

  
_'Itachi was supposed to marry someone from our business partner clan when he turns 25. Unfortunately, the incident happened and now we're left with another decision to make,' his father explained. 'So we came up to an agreement to let you focus on your training first, as Itachi did, and then wed you to their daughter.'_

  
_He remembered the numbness that gripped him when his father's words sank in. He said yes and nodded like a robot throughout, steeled his heart, and reminded himself that this was not for him, but for his brother._

  
_This was why he decided to make this last night with her memorable. He simply just wanted to lie down with her on her bed where they first made love, and hold her as she slept. He said to himself that he will be content with the memories and that he is thankful for the chance to love her and to be loved back by her._

  
_Sasuke was still looking at her with his eyes still shedding tear after tear. He'd rather lose her like that than lose her as he lost her in his nightmare. He'd rather lose her by letting her go than lose her by death._

  
_Sakura's hands held his face between them and let her thumb graze his lips, fingers the valley of his nose and cheeks as she wiped away his tears._

  
_"I'm sorry," Sasuke whispered to her. He found confusion on her irises and he continued, "I'm sorry for everything."_

  
_'I'm sorry for letting you go, Sakura.'_

  
_She continued to look at him. She stared long, but with soft eyes. Then she shook her head, "No."_

  
_She said it with so much strength and conviction he will never ever have and it took his breath_ _away. She proceeded, "We are going through this together. We'll make it." Then she smiled at him, soft and tender. "You have to try harder than that, Sasuke-kun. You can't get rid of me that easy."_

  
_He knew that she's thinking about his dream. She knows him too well that even if he doesn't speak out loud, she knows what he's thinking. Right now, Sasuke knew Sakura is thinking he was so shaken by his dream about her dying by his hands that he wanted to get away from her to protect her. It was Sasuke's nature to bring it all upon himself, and then blame his own as well. Add that to the previous death of his brother, Sakura would think it's about Itachi. And he would like to be alone, as he always does._

  
_Sasuke thought of telling her the things he had to do — the company, the training, the marriage in 6 years to a person he still doesn't know about. He thought of telling her the truth — that he already let her go, let them both go, let their futures go. It's inevitable, and breaking up with her now will spare them both of the pain and heartbreak they might face if they continue this._

  
_He let go. He really did. No matter how much it pained him, he decided to. He uncurled his fingers one by one around the person he's held onto tightly for so long._

  
_But those eyes... those powerful eyes of hers— they know. They know what he's trying to do and they wouldn't let him. He could see the fire within her orbs, her determination to stay with him burning in her emeralds._

  
_'I can't, Itachi. Give me more time,' he pleaded his brother. Before he came tonight in her place, he's decided that this will be their last night. But now he selfishly chose himself, his happiness, for once._

  
_'Give me this one, aniki.'_

  
_And so Sasuke once again wrapped his fingers around his person and held on for dear life for he knows it's not gonna be easy._

  
_Still inside her, he softly pressed his mouth against hers, a polar opposite of the way he ravaged her lips earlier. His lips curled around hers as he silently acquiesced with her statement. He gently pulled himself out of her, then slowly went back in._

  
_He shivered in the way she called his name in pleasure, her teeth clamping on his shoulder and her nails dragging his shirt off him. He did the same to her when he's free of the cloth, and kissed her again._

  
_They slowly built their pace — gentle and sweet at first, but then as they fill themselves with emotions, hers with understanding and him with trepidation about his current predicament, it turned into a wild frenzy of fear, lust, and love. She was scratching and he was biting and she was moaning and he was grunting and they were both desperate, trying to give each other the solace they need._

  
_She knew something is wrong but she kept going, still giving him all the love she could give in this time of desolation because of Itachi's death._  
 _He knew something is wrong but he kept going, still giving her all the love still left in him in this time of desperation because of Itachi's death._  
 _They both knew something is wrong. But they both know that there will always be something right —_ this _._

  
_He went harder and faster, and her moans went louder and stronger. His hands spread her thighs wider, and her hands grabbed and pushed his ass deeper. His endless black found her bright green, and both panted through their open mouths._

  
_"I love you," she whispered to him, heartfelt and true. Her words traveled all the way to his veins and he knew it's too late because he's in too deep. He was in deep the first time he ever saw her face._

  
_In the midst of their tryst, she cried out her release, and Sasuke bathed in the image of her underneath him moaning in ecstasy with her eyes closed and her mouth wide open. He stored it in his mind for him to remember when everything is over._

  
_He followed shortly after, his climax hitting him hard, making him out of breath and nearly delirious with pleasure. He buried his face on her neck and he felt her hands run over his locks._

  
_He was aware that this might be the last time he could be able to say it back, even though his original plan of breaking up with her tonight has changed. He was aware he's being selfish, but that's the only thing he's good at. He was not even good at loving her._

  
_He was good at being selfish enough to stay with her for as long as he can._

  
_And so he pulled away from her neck and looked down at her, finding that she was already peering up at him. She never asks for an answer whenever she says those three words because she already knew that he does. But tonight, he says it back, as truthful and as painful as it is._

  
_"I love you, Sakura."_

  
_She smiled. Sasuke doesn't know if he wants that smile or not._

* * *

_Days turned to weeks; weeks turned to months. It had been almost 6 months after Itachi's death, and it also had been that long since he made love to Sakura._

  
_Don't get him wrong. They still have sex occasionally. But whenever they do it, which was seldom compare to before when they do it like rabbits, it always feels so rushed, angry, and desperate. No more lazy morning sex or rare romantic nights after a dinner date._

  
_Sasuke even forgot their second anniversary, which made Sakura down, but he knew that she gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, Itachi's death was 2 weeks before their anniversary. The wound was still fresh not just for Sasuke, but to all of them as well._

  
_It all just came spiraling down after that. Sasuke dropped out of the university completely to focus on training for the company. His dream of becoming a lawyer was locked away at the back of his head and the bottom of his heart, never to see the light of day again. His father wanted him to see how the company works first before he studies business officially._

  
_He rarely saw Sakura anymore. She calls him every day, but he doesn't pick up often. Sometimes it was because he's busy with his training, but most of the time he doesn't accept the call on purpose. He didn't want to hear her voice sounding so achingly sad. He knew he would crumble and go see her and they run away together where nobody could find them._

  
_Sasuke knew he was hurting her. He barely takes her out to a spontaneous lunch date or a surprise movie night-out. When they do see each other, it's almost awkward that he could taste it in his mouth. He couldn't even look at her in the eyes for more than five seconds and not look away. When they touch each other, it takes all of his control not to flinch. When they have sex, it's all a blur of pained green eyes and dead black ones._

  
_The guilt was eating him from the inside, and his outside nonchalance for their dying relationship was eating her._

  
_Sometimes, he wished that she takes the initiative and leave his sorry ass because he knows he's not strong enough to leave her. Sasuke tried it once, and look where that got him — still holding onto her and watching as she slowly deteriorates in front of his very eyes._

  
_He knows._

  
_He knows it's only a matter of time. But his selfish self still wants her, even if that means breaking her; ruining her. Because if she's not there with him, what is he? Who is he? So he holds on to her — leaving bruises on her soul and splattering crimson streaks of guilt on his own being. He knows he was going to hell._

  
_He might as well be there already._

* * *

_On the eve of his 20th birthday, he finally met the family of the girl he's supposed to marry when he reaches 25. And surprise, surprise — the Uzumaki's._

  
_He's been friends with Naruto since he was young and the Uchiha's has always been good friends with the blond's family. Mikoto and Kushina were classmates since high school and throughout college while Fugaku and Minato have been rivals just as long. Plus the fact that their family is one of their business partners, he should've known._

  
_His dark eyes found red behind slim black frames, and Uzumaki Karin nodded in understanding._

  
_Before this said dinner, they met beforehand to talk privately. Thanks to his loudmouth of a best friend, Naruto told him that he overheard his parents talking to Minato and Kushina about the said merger. The issue of a wedding made Naruto choke on his ramen and immediately called Sasuke. At first, Naruto thought about his own wedding. He's betrothed to someone but he still yet to know. Sasuke heard the relief, as well as the concern, in his best friend's voice._

  
_Sasuke already knew who she was, of course, being Naruto's only sibling that was only a year younger. But he never really paid any attention to her, except when there are business and family gatherings. He knew her as someone loud as her brother but could be tightlipped and calm as her parents._

  
_They talked about this upcoming wedding and what they thought of it. Sasuke informed her that he's involved with Sakura for almost 3 years now. He learned that she's single and has never dated nor been in love with someone._

  
_Sasuke was asked why did he agree on this and he said the truth about Itachi. Karin, in response, said that she only wanted what's best for their company._

  
_"Besides," she added. "I don't have anyone else. Might as well just marry you instead of being alone. Plus, you're not hideous."_

  
_"Hn."_

_"What does your girl says about all this, by the way? She must've been an extraordinary one to keep up with your stony face all the time."_

_He didn't answer. Besides, Sakura knew nothing about all this. She was aware of his new role as heir and his responsibilities that came along with it, but not this arranged marriage shit. He couldn't tell her._

  
_Sasuke was taken back to their current dinner when he heard Karin clear her throat. He looked at her and she glared back, obviously annoyed by his daydreaming._

  
_"Pardon?" Fugaku sternly asked. He seemed to be surprised by whatever Karin previously said._

  
_Kushina also seemed to be perplexed. She looked at Minato briefly then turned to Karin and asked, "You both want to what?"_

  
_Even before Karin turned white, Sasuke rescued her by saying, "We both want to postpone the engagement."_

  
_At the corner of his eye, Sasuke saw Naruto look back and forth towards the two parties and silently slurped his water._

  
_"Sasuke," his father coldly looked at him. He continued to be unfazed. "You cannot. We already prepared for the announcement next month. You can't just decide about these things without informing us."_

  
_"I did not say cancel. I only said postpone," he bit back just as coldly while looking directly at Fugaku. His father's eyes flashed for a second, surprised again by his tone. He continued, "Karin and I would be the ones getting married. It's our wedding, therefore, it's our shots."_

  
_Karin immediately added, "We just don't want to rush it. The wedding will be in 5 years' time, anyway. Don't you think it's a bit weird to be engaged for that whole five years?" Karin looked at Sasuke for a brief moment then said, "We want to be engaged on the year of the wedding. Then you can announce it to everyone."_

  
_Minato thought about it for a while, then he smiled. "I understand." He turned to Fugaku and Mikoto then, "Let's give this one to the kids. Marriage is not an easy chore. They could get engaged in the year they're gonna marry. No big deal."_

  
_Sasuke noted with the way Kushina glared at Minato when he used the word 'chore' for marriage. It seemed that Minato shares the same thoughts with Mikoto. They're both against arranged marriage because they both experienced the same thing. Yes, it all turned out well for them since they grew to love Kushina and Fugaku. But nothing was certain, especially to any relationship. It would be hard as hell, and as parents, they didn't want their children to suffer._

  
_Kushina rubbed her temple by then and released a heavy sigh. She looked fondly at Mikoto and say, "We both have stubborn children, my friend. We might as well agree on their terms."_

  
_Mikoto saw her husband ready to retort but she put a hand on his arm and smiled at her friend, "I understand, Kushina. Of course. We'll support them." She looked at Karin to smile at her, then at Sasuke to give him her supportive glance. Sasuke could clearly see that his mother was relieved because of their decision._

  
_On the way home that night, minutes before the clock struck midnight for his birthday, the Uchiha's were silent thro_ _ughout the ride home. Sasuke could still feel the dark aura surrounding his father. Fugaku was not impressed by his display of authority. Sasuke couldn't give two shits. He just wanted to go home._

  
 _They finally reached their home and entered it. Sasuke continuously walked towards the stairs to his room when Fugaku's voice pierced through the silence, "W_ _hen will you tell Haruno that you're supposed to marry someone else?"_

  
_Sasuke stilled at the cold query, his fists automatically balled into fists as he fought for self-control to talk back to his father aggressively. He didn't see the clenched hand of his mother on Fugaku's arm._

  
_He controlled his breathing and quietly said without looking back, "Sakura." He turned his head sideways, still not looking at them. "Her name is Sakura."_

  
_Fugaku ignored the way his son's seething voice. He continued to pry, "You should've cut your ties with her a long time ago. You're only making this harder for the both of you."_

  
_'Don't you think I don't know that?!' Sasuke wanted to scream aloud. 'Don't you think this isn't painful enough?! Don't you think I'm slowly killing her?'_

  
_But his father couldn't hear his silent pleas, unlike Sakura. "You're gonna marry Karin Uzumaki. You should stop seeing her by now."_

  
_Fugaku was relentless, and Sasuke knew he got this from him. He's been living all his life jealous of Itachi because his aniki got all his good traits from their mother. He was gentle and would've been so, so good to his future family. Meanwhile, there's him, sucking all the hard traits from their father. His competitive streak, arrogant way of speaking, harsh words — it was all Fugaku. And suddenly, he felt so exhausted._

  
_Fugaku was still talking about the consequences of his actions and Mikoto was still trying to stop him when they both saw Sasuke looking back at them. The sight nearly made them nervous._

  
_Moonlight came in, illuminating the eerily cold and empty house. They saw their son with his head looking back at them, dressed in all-black like someone just died again. His dark eyes were hollow and Mikoto put her hand on her chest, feeling her beating heart aching for her son. Then he whispered._

  
_"I love her."_

  
_It was soft and quiet, but his parents knew it was solid and true. It was in the crack in his voice, the shake in his hands on the banister, and the vulnerability in his eyes. They continued to look at him as the clock struck 12, the sound of their grandfather clock echoing throughout their empty house._

  
_That awoke Sasuke in his stupor and the walls in his eyes were seen again. Mikoto tried not to cry and Fugaku stood still, feeling like an asshole._

  
_"But don't fret, father," he coldly stated, turning his head back to continue walking up the stairs. He took one, two, three steps; then he stopped for a second just to say, "I'm keeping my promise."_

  
_Mikoto and Fugaku Uchiha watched as their son disappeared upstairs to his room, the first day of his 20th year looking bleak and weary as the first splatter of heavy rain was heard in their household._

* * *

_It was the first snowfall of winter, he would remember once he's bereft with only his remorse to keep him company._

  
_Months passed by and they could feel the upcoming winter. Autumn leaves were long forgotten and frigid air came howling for a few weeks now. Sasuke felt restless. He felt something was coming up apart from the winter he's starting to hate ever since his brother's passing. Something was gnawing at his gut and he couldn't focus._

  
_He was driving towards Sakura's apartment, picking her up for their dinner. It's been almost 3 weeks since they last saw each other and Sakura finally convinced him to have dinner together. He booked a reservation in a classy restaurant on autopilot, already dreading the upcoming reunion._

  
_"I miss you," she simply said through the phone. Sasuke bit back words such as 'I miss you, too' and 'Forgive me' and 'I love you'; only to utter a cold and detached, "Aa." He didn't get a reply after that, but he thought he heard a faint sniff on the other line before it went dead._

  
_When he got to her apartment, he simply honked the horn of his car. It's been too long since he had been inside her place, knowing that there are too many vivid memories living inside it. He couldn't risk being in there. He was certain he wouldn't make it out alive._

  
_A few moments later, Sakura emerged from the white door of her flat. And just like it always did to Sasuke, it all happened in slow motion. 'What a fucking cliché,' he thought._

  
_Wrapped in a plain black sweater and red coat, lean legs in faded jeans, feet in her favorite boots— she looked beautiful. Even with those dark circles under her green eyes, she looked absolutely stunning to Sasuke._

  
_Every step she takes as she makes her way to his car made his heart squeeze itself. He wanted to bury himself in her, to live inside her bones, and just stay there so he could escape this reality. This was his reality now — no more dream, no more Itachi; and pretty soon, no more Sakura._

  
_'It hurts,' Sasuke thought. 'It hurts, aniki.'_

  
_It has been a habit of his since Itachi was gone. He talks to him in his head. Sometimes, he could pretend enough that his brother answers him back. Tonight, Itachi's as silent as a dead can be._

  
_Sakura finally reached the passenger door and slipped inside the car. She turned to face him, her face lighting up and her mouth curling upwards. She shyly greeted him, "Hi."_

  
_Sasuke continued to stare, his eyes roaming around her face. He noted the slight pink of her cheeks, and he knew it's not just from the cold. There was an urge to smirk, but he fought it. She could just sit there and do nothing, and Sasuke would still be more of a mess than he already was._

  
_After a while, he mumbled back. "Hi."_

  
_She smiled then, and slowly leaned towards him. She brushed her lips on his once, then pecked him lightly. Sakura brought her hands up and cradled his face, "You look thin. Are you eating well?"_

  
_Sasuke only nodded in response, not trusting his voice not to crack under pressure. He could smell her — peaches and cream. He could see her — pinks and greens. He could taste her — mint and home._

  
_'I missed you so much.'_

  
_He pulled away, making her hands drop. He couldn't look at her face. He knew she has that fake smile ready for him when he hurts her. Sasuke had already seen it a hundred times for the past year._

  
_"I'm fine," he said. "Put your seatbelt on. We're gonna be late."_

  
_Sasuke didn't hear a response, and he didn't wait for any. He just started the engine and started to drive away for the 20-minute journey to the restaurant._

  
_The awkwardness and the tension were palpable in the confines of his car. It took all of his control not to groan out of frustration. He just focused on the road, but Sakura was making it a hard time when he was sure her gears were running on her head._

  
_Three minutes in and she cracked the silence._

  
_"How's your training, Sasuke-kun?," she inquired. "I hope they're not exhausting you too much."_

  
_Sasuke wanted to say that it already took too much of him and now he felt bereft. But as the coward that he is, of course, he couldn't say that._

  
_"It's fine," he answered, his tone clipped and straightforward. "I'm okay."_

  
_He could see her nodding her head through his peripheral, "That's good. Is it hard? I know you can handle it, but I hope you're getting rest. I don't want you getting sick."_

  
_Her sweet and thoughtful tone made him grind his teeth. Instead of making his heart flutter, it made his gut churn that he wanted to vomit right there and then. He didn't know why but he feels sick. Something was coming up and he could feel it. It's like the flu that you know is coming but you couldn't do shit about it. It made him absolutely nervous._

  
_Because of this, he answered in his usual response, which he rarely use with Sakura. "Aa."_

  
_Sasuke felt her look towards him at that. His heart spiked up because of nerves. He knew she's assessing the situation. She's always been good at that. 'Damn it,' Sasuke thought to himself._

  
_"Sasuke-kun, is everything okay?," she asked._

  
_'No. Nothing has ever been okay for a long time. It's all falling apart and I'm terrified of what's to come. I don't know what to do.'_

  
_Sasuke forced himself to sigh and look as if exasperated with her question to cover his true emotions and thoughts, "I'm fine, Sakura." He gave emphasis on words to carry more weight and to prove to her, and to himself, that he's really okay. He focused on driving. 15 minutes more and they would arrive._

  
_It was the longest 15 minutes of his life. The tension he feels was suffocating._

  
_Sakura was as relentless as him so he should've known that wouldn't budge her because she talked back, "Obviously there's something wrong. You could always tell me, Sasuke-kun. You know that."_

  
_This slight nagging of hers was slowly getting on his nerves so he blurted out, "Jesus, Sakura, I said I'm fine. Okay?"_

  
_Anyone who heard that would hear the slight irritation from it, as well as the frustration and exhaustion. He was gripping the steering wheel too hard and his jaw was clenched too tight as he heard her gasp in surprise from his lash out._

  
_He briefly looked at her and saw her looking down at her lap and biting her lip. It's a habit of hers when she feels insecure and afraid._

  
_'Great job, asshole,' he thought inwardly. 'You managed to get her fears back with just a few words. Keep this up and she might leave you after this. As she should.'_

  
_Sasuke ran his hand through his hair, his eyes still digging holes on the road. He exhaled slowly and softly said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that." He was aware it wasn't enough but he kept going. "I'm just tired, that's all. Forgive me."_

  
_It took her a few moments to recover but she looked at him and smiled lightly. She then said, "I understand. Of course. I'm sorry, too."_

  
_They continued the heavy silence until they reached their destination. Sasuke has always been a silent person, but he almost cursed the deafening silence at that moment that he could feel the words at the back of his throat._

  
_The dinner was all a blur to Sasuke. They did small talk throughout the course, too casual for lovers of almost 3 years. There was no intimacy that always prevailed in any of their activity, whether it's drinking coffee together or making love, or holding hands. It made him remember that he already forgot when was the last time they had sex, let alone be asleep on the same bed and cuddling like bears like they used to._

  
_They only talked about their current activities— him with his company training and her with her subjects at the university. He missed the times they spend together when they both have a free period, when they were classmates at literature with Kakashi as their professor that blatantly call them out for doing practically eye-sex from both ends of the room, and when they both roll their eyes at Naruto for dragging them to his favorite ramen place at lunch._

  
_They also talked about their parents and his cat, Colonel Mustard, and the weather and her new potted plant on her windowsill, and a ton of other insignificant things. Sasuke felt that she was itching to talk about more important things but he always strayed from those topics. He could see her disappointment every time._

  
_Next thing he knew, they were exiting the restaurant and walking towards the parking lot. The air was a lot colder than it was before they went inside the establishment. Winter was almost there._

  
_Sasuke saw Sakura lick her lips multiple times throughout dinner, and it means she's nervous about something. It didn't help his already frayed nerves. It made him wearier of what this night still entails._

  
_They got inside his car and he drove back to her apartment to drop her off. He could still feel her fidget beside him and he couldn't shake his bad feeling anymore. He asked, "What is it?"_

  
_"Huh?", she said, startled. He looked back at her for a few seconds and answered back._

  
_"You're nervous about something. Tell me."_

  
_Sakura was silent for like forever. She was never like this. She has always been frank with her thoughts and feelings. So this behavior of hers started to irritate him and Sasuke prepared to berate her when she dropped her news._

  
_"I got into Harvard," she mumbled quietly._

  
_His mind went blank for a moment after she said that. All he could process was few words._

  
_Harvard._   
_America._   
_Far away._

  
_Without him._

  
_She continued to talk softly, "I was approached by Professor Shizune. You remember her? She's a former apprentice of Tsunade Senju, the one I was telling you about that's kind of a legend herself? Ms. Shizune apparently told Tsunade about me and Tsunade emailed me, saying I should apply for Harvard. She's currently teaching there. Shizune told me I should go."_ _She looked at him then, "I tried, and then last week I got the acceptance letter. I don't know what to do. I didn't tell you right away because I know you have so much on your plate already. I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun."_

  
_'She did it,' he said to himself. 'She's getting her dream. She always talks about that Tsunade and how much she could learn from her. She finally made it.'_

  
_He was proud, but the small, ugly, and selfish part of him was slowly rearing its head._

  
_'She's leaving you. She's finally leaving you.'_

  
_They stopped at a red light, then Sasuke faced her. "Why are you saying sorry? It's okay."_

  
_His words were soft and true, but his face and eyes said something else. He forced himself to smile, "Congratulations."_

  
_The light turned green and he stepped on the gas. He didn't dare look at her again. He couldn't breathe, and she said something that made even his heartbeat halt._

  
_"I'm not going."_

  
_Sasuke whipped his head towards her, "What? Why?"_

  
_She looked at him intently and said, "I'm happy here in Tokyo. I'm enjoying my classes and I learn a lot. It's fine for me. It's more than enough."_

  
_They both know it was not true. She has always been an ambitious one and she would push her limits to get where she wanted. Aside from that, she rarely has friends. Sasuke and Naruto have been with her since high school, and then there was her childhood friend back in Kyoto. Now that Sasuke dropped out of the university, he's sure she's always alone, with only the occasional Naruto when their free time match._

  
_Lastly, they're both aware that if she wanted to be the best in the medical field, she must be in the best curriculum. Harvard is practically knocking at her doorstep right now. All she must do was open the door._

  
_Sasuke knows what she said was true. But he also knows that a big part of her staying here in Japan was sitting just a few inches from her._

  
Him _._

  
_He looked away from her then, suddenly angry and frustrated and hurt at once. He wasn't even sure to whom. Maybe with her, maybe with the world._

  
_Definitely with himself._

  
_'All you do is hold her back,' his own self seethes. 'What else are you good at, asshole?'_

  
_Sasuke was gripped with so much anger at her words that he gritted his teeth so hard they could both hear it. All he could say was, "No."_

  
_Her voice was confused, "Sasuke-kun?"_

  
_"You will go. You have to."_

  
_"I don't want to."_

  
_"Yes, you do. I know you."_

  
_She flinched at that, "Don't you think it's my decision to make? I decided to stay, and that's that."_

  
_Sasuke noted the slightly angry tone in her voice and it only fueled him to go harder, "C'mon, Sak. We both know you have nothing left here."_

  
_Her voice was incredulous when she answered back, "What?!"_

  
_He scoffed, "Seriously? You have no other friends aside from Naruto and me. You're a shut-in. You don't even have a family with you."_

  
_Sakura gasped at that. He was aware of what he said and he wanted to take it back, but he was too busy being angry at everything at the moment._

  
_"Stop the car," she silently asked._

  
_He pretended not to hear a thing until she literally shouted, "I said stop the fucking car!"_

  
_Sasuke abruptly swerved towards the side of the road and slammed on the brakes. They were both almost thrown forward if not because of their seatbelts._

  
_"What the fuck is wrong with you?", Sakura asked him, her voice shaking from too much emotion. Disbelief, pain, rage — Sasuke could taste it in his mouth._

  
_He looked at her sideways, "What is wrong with me? No, Sak. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're giving up your dream!"_

  
_"I'm not giving up anything!" she screamed at him. Her eyes were wild and her breath came in heavy._

  
_"Oh, really? We both know Harvard is the best thing for you. Don't deny it to yourself. If you don't go now, you might not get another chance."_

  
_"I don't care! I want to stay here!"_

  
_"And do what? You're almost bored with your classes. You're always by yourself because you're too absorbed with me that you couldn't even try to talk and befriend anyone else. You're alone even in your own place because you live with too many memories of your dead parents in your old house and you couldn't take it."_

  
_"Oh, you did not just say that," she sputtered. Sakura's eyes were wide with disbelief at his words. "You did not just tell me I should go because I couldn't live with my dead parents' memories. You should know how it feels to lose a loved one."_

  
_Sasuke regretted those last words. She was right, he should know what it feels like to lose a part of yourself. This argument was getting out of hand and he felt so fucking tired._

  
_He sighed then looked at her, "What do you want me to say then? Don't leave me? That you shouldn't go? That I want you to stay? That I need you?"_

  
_"Yes," she said, her voice strong and her eyes determined at him. She nodded her head, "Yes. Tell me to stay. Tell me you need me."_

  
_Sasuke stared at her face, that face that he grew to love ever since he laid his eyes on her; that face that he wanted to see first thing every morning for the rest of his life; the same face that he wanted to stare at every night._

  
_'This is your chance,' his thoughts suddenly said. 'You can end this now. Right here. Don't torture both of you further than you already did.'_

  
_He swallowed his real thoughts, most of them saying those things she wanted him to say. He didn't want her to go. He didn't want to let her go._

  
_But his inner thoughts were right— it is time._

  
_Sasuke hardened his resolve and stiffly said, "No. I don't need you, Sakura."_

  
_'Yes, I do.'_

  
_Sakura shook her head, "Yes, you do."_

  
_He looked away to face his front again, "No, I don't. You think I need someone who makes me worried every damn day? Someone annoying like you?"_

  
_Sasuke looked back at her and added, "It only makes me tired."_

  
_Sakura took a pained gasp, his words slowly making their way to her heart. Her voice was cracked when she asked him, "You're tired of me?"_

  
_'No. Never.'_

  
_"Yes. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of us."_

  
_She blinked, her eyes still wide but dry. Green met his black for long moments until she asked him the question that will free them of this monumental fucked-up relationship, "Are you... are you breaking up with me?"_

  
_Sasuke sighed, still looking at her straight in the eyes. He hoped she wouldn't notice how hard he was gripping the steering wheel. He had to do this._

  
_"Yes, Sakura. I'm breaking up with you."_

  
_'No. Don't leave me.'_

  
_The silence after those words penetrated the small confines of his vehicle. Both Sasuke and Sakura stared at each other — black with cold indifference and green with shocked detachment._

  
_Sasuke couldn't look at her anymore so he went back to facing the front of the car. He felt numb. A few minutes passed and he decided to drive her back home._

  
_"Let's go. Let me take you home," he muttered under his breath._

  
_The moment he pushed the gas pedal was when he heard the unclasping of her seatbelt and the opening of the passenger door._

  
_He immediately slammed on the brake and quickly looked back at Sakura, just in time to see her get out of his car and closed the car door a little too hard._

  
_"Sakura!", he shouted at her. He got out of his car and strode towards Sakura who was still busy walking away from him with brisk steps. His long legs reached her and he turned her around to face him._

  
_"What the fuck was that?! You could've been hurt! What the fuck were you thinking?!", Sasuke screamed at her face. He was gripping her arms tightly and he noticed her shaking form._

  
_"Too late," she whispered. Her breaths came in puffs and he noticed that it's visible now. He then realized that it was snowing. Winter is here._

  
_Her eyes looked up and found his. Sasuke fought back a gasp to see her eyes without their usual light. It's all hard and cold... just like his. And then she added, "I'm already hurt."_

  
_He wanted to pull her in his arms and embrace her, to embed himself into her or her to him, and never be apart. He wanted to warm her up with his mouth, his hands, his breath. He wanted to kiss her._

  
_'You broke up with her remember?'_

  
_"Get your hands off me," she quietly asked him. "Please."_

  
_He flinched, "C'mon, Sak. Let me get you h-"_

  
_"And stop calling me that," she coldly asked. She pushed his hands away and turned around to walk away from him._

  
_It was snowing and he couldn't let her walk all the way to her apartment, no matter how close it may be. It was only a 10-minute drive; 20 if by feet._

  
_"Sakura," he called out._

  
_She turned around so suddenly that it almost surprised him, "Don't."_

  
_They stood at the side of the road, with the sky crying snow around them, facing each other. Sakura remained calm and her eyes still dry. Meanwhile, Sasuke remained glued to the spot as the love of his life slowly break before his eyes._

  
_"I should've known," she started. Her eyes were focused on him, never wavering. "I knew something wasn't right. Nothing's ever the same since your brother was gone."_

  
_Sasuke swallowed when she mentioned Itachi. Does she know? Does she know his awaited fate?_

  
_She continued, "And I know I should've confronted you for it. But instead, I fed your appetite. I felt it when you look at me, when you touch me, when you kiss me. You needed me, Sasuke. You need me."_

  
_'Of course, I do.'_

  
_Her eyes blinked and her voice wavered, "And I'm selfish enough to be happy when I'm needed. And I'm sorry." Her green orbs watered then, "I'm sorry for using that to feed my own need."_

  
_Sasuke choked as he shook his head no, "Sakura, please. You don't... you don't have to say sorry. I- it's me... it's my fault. It's not you."_

  
_She laughed without humor when she heard that. She was still looking at him as she humorlessly let out chuckles, "What a fucking cliché." Then a teardrop fell from her. And then another. Then another one._

  
_Sasuke felt like dying at that moment. All the crying he saw from her was never like this one. She looked so broken now, her mouth shaking from the cold and her tears._

  
_"I was tired too, Sasuke. I endured for a year. I swallowed the hurt when you forgot our second anniversary. I swallowed my pride at the restaurant where you stood me up on my birthday. I swallowed the pain when you left on your birthday without telling me."_

  
_Sasuke remembered it all. He would never forget their anniversary or her birthday or their tradition when it's his turn. It's just that he was too guilty about being with her and still delaying the impending doom of their relationship to actually be with her. He decided to deprive himself of his own happiness because he doesn't deserve it; doesn't deserve her. He was just a coward to face it._

  
_Her tears were slowly rolling down her cheeks, like the snow falling down on them. "I endured them all, knowing that you're still in grief, and you probably will be for a long time. I know the feeling." She took a deep breath and exhaled, still crying. "But never, not once, did I ever think about giving you up. Never."_

  
_His eyes blurred and he fought the tears that threatened to come. He swallowed hard and breathed deeply to control his emotions. Sasuke wanted to look away, but he couldn't._

  
_"I deserve better. I know that," she nodded to herself. "But I still wanted you despite that... because I love you." She licked her lips and took a step forward to him._

  
_Sasuke watched as she made her way to him, her hands shaking and her eyes straight up looking at him. When she was in front of him with only a few inches between them, she spoke._

  
_"So you don't get to break up with me, Sasuke," her voice strong and laced with genuine resolve. "_ I _break up with you."_

  
 _Her eyes were hard but still leaking angry and pained tears, "I break up with_ you _."_

  
_Sasuke knows he deserved her hate, but he never thought it would be as painful as this. He didn't say a thing, just continued to stare down at her shaking form, praying to anyone to end this fucking nightmare._

  
_Sakura's green eyes dimmed down and turned soft as she stares up at him. His heart skipped a beat._

  
_"I wish you happiness, Sasuke."_

* * *

_Mikoto was drinking water from the kitchen when she suddenly heard a noise coming from the living room. She was startled for a second, but she put her glass down and tightened her robe. It was late at night and Sasuke must have come back. She made her way to their living room, only the moonlight provides little light in their house._

  
_When she peered from the hallway, she saw Sasuke standing in the middle of the room with his back on her. He was deathly still looking out the great window of their living room. She silently and slowly approached him, then put her hand on his back._

  
_"Sasuke?"_

  
_Her eyes went wide when her son looked back at her. Sasuke was crying._

  
_"Kaa-san," he muttered, his voice little and broken._

  
_She gasped then, her son calling her that term that he hasn't used since he was 13. She looked up at him and knew immediately what happened. Her heart ached for them._

  
_A tear fell from his eyes as he looked at his mother, "She called me Sasuke." His eyes continued to shed tears as he said, "He never calls me just Sasuke."_

  
_Fugaku was at the top of the stairs and saw his wife and son in th_ _eir living room. He heard the noise earlier and decided to check what it was. He saw and heard his now only living son slowly die in front of his mother. His heart clenched painfully._

  
_Mikoto's eyes gathered moisture and she fought the tears as she watched her son look down at his hand and put it against his chest._

  
_"Kaa-san," Sasuke called her again._

  
_Mikoto swallowed before she answered, "Yes, Sasuke?"_

  
_Sasuke clenched his hand on his chest and gripped it tight, "It hurts." His dark eyes, still continuously shedding salty tears, found her own, "It hurts so much. Can you make it stop?"_

  
_His mother couldn't fight her tears away any longer. His face contorted in pain as she gathered him in her arms as they fell on the floor, with his head buried against his mother's shoulder._

  
_"Please, kaa-san. Please. Make it stop."_

  
_Sasuke's wretched sobs reverberated around the silent Uchiha house, muffled by his own mother's cries. His father slowly made back his way to their room to silently cry alone._

  
_Outside, the first snow of the winter falls, in sync with the tears from their eyes._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might probably the hardest thing i have ever written at that time. looking at it now, i can still remember the tears i shed when i wrote that final scene. aaaah, the memories!! obviously this was set before part one just so you can have an idea what happened. next part would be just like part one, a combo of flashback and real-time stuff. thanks for reading!


	3. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can I kiss you?" 
> 
> Her mouth opened in surprise, her eyes widened in shock. Her breath came in puffs, visible in the winter cold. Sasuke waited patiently, offering a silent prayer to her. He doesn't pray to any god now for he believes there is none, but if Sakura heeds his prayer then maybe there really is one. 
> 
> Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, "No." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The lyrics aren't mine but from the writers of the songs I used. See author's note at the end.

"When will we ever be truly happy?" 

A quiet hum is the only reply from the other line, his mother probably contemplating about what to say to him. He didn't mean to be this vulnerable but this is his mother, the only person he can trust with his whole life. More than his best friend, of course. 

Few seconds pass and he heard Mikoto say, "Maybe when we accept that things aren't always meant to be." 

He sighs, looking outside while leaning back on his first-class seat inside the plane headed to New York. The sky is a bit dull, thanks to the winter of the upcoming Christmas. 

"Yeah," he quietly agrees. "Maybe then." 

He hears his mother sigh in return and asks him, "Did you at least talk to your father before you leave?" 

He closes his eyes and thinks about his talk with his father earlier, "We're okay now. He called me while I was with Itachi." 

At the mention of his brother's name, he's sure he heard a quiet hitch in his mother's voice when she spoke. "I can't believe it's been 10 years. Time flies so fast." 

10 years since Itachi died and yesterday was the anniversary. He went to Itachi's grave and stayed there for hours, talking to his dead aniki once in a while and just thinking about everything. Before he went home, his father called him. 

There was no question that he loves his father, but they just don't get along really well ever since he was a child. Their relationship was forever scarred when he agreed to the heir position. He thought, and probably his father as well, that their father and son connection was truly lost... until yesterday when Fugaku called him. 

He couldn't even remember the last time they talked on the phone or the last time he heard Fugaku as a father, not as the Uchiha patriarch. 

"I'm not proud of most things," Sasuke remembered his father say. "I've done things I regret and will forever haunt me. But if there's one thing I'm proud of..." 

He held his breath as he waited for his father to continue. Then he heard his emotionless father in a strong but cracked-on-the-edges voice, "It's the two of you. I'm proud of your brother, and I'm proud of you Sasuke." 

If he could cry by then, he would've cried. But there are no tears left to cry now for his last tears were already shed years ago. But nonetheless, he felt his heart ached because of his father. 

His father added, "I'm sorry. For everything." 

It was nothing new, this ache that's been living in the beating organ of his body for so long now. His heart would always ache because of his family. Most of the time, it's in a painful way, but not this time. This ache was the kind you feel when you know something heavy is being lifted from you. Sasuke sighed. 

"Tou-san," he whispered through the phone and looked down at Itachi's grave. The snow lightly fell around him touching the stone and his hair. 

He heard Fugaku softly gasp on the other line, definitely shaken by his address. But then later replied, "Yes, Sasuke?" 

He smiled softly, feeling the air around him shift as if comforting him. _Nii-san_ , he thought by then. 

"Thank you," he sincerely said. "And I'm sorry, too." 

Looking back from yesterday as he opens his eyes to reality, he feels warm. He says to his mother, "Yeah, it is." 

Mikoto asks, "When are you coming back?" 

"Just in time for the Christmas ball. I have to be there," he says gruffly. He heard his mother laughing softly. 

"Will you bring a date?", Mikoto asks in a teasing voice. 

He snorts, "You know I don't do that, right?" 

Mikoto sighs. 9 years have passed since her son broke down that December night, following the shattering of Sasuke's heart. She will never forget that night. She knew as she held him on the floor sobbing his heart out that it would take an awfully long time to heal, but not this long. Her son is 29 now — driven but tired, strong-willed but fragile, loved but lonely. 

"Do you have at least any plans? You can even bring just a friend, you know that," Mikoto pushes. 

There is an announcement that the doors of the plane are closed and now ready to take off. All electronic devices should be turned off and Sasuke exhales inwardly for he has avoided his mother's prying. Mikoto also heard the announcement and nearly rolled her eyes. 

"I need to go. I'll call you when I get there," he says to Mikoto. 

"Okay, son. Take care. Don't overwork yourself," concern and love evident from her voice. Sasuke smiles gently. 

"Aa. You too." 

Sasuke finally turns off his phone and waits for the plane to take off. He thinks about what his mother implied earlier. _Bring a friend?_ he thought. _As if I have a lot to choose from. I only have Naruto and-_

He sighs. That "friend" is definitely unavailable. She's probably off somewhere in America where she's happily living her life with her husband. The last time they met, she was newly engaged. He didn't bother to know how she's been doing for the past 3 years. He didn't want to risk the longing he might feel. Only God knows he does. 

But he remembers that it was winter, as it always been for the both of them. Green eyes across from him, pink hair blowing in the cold wind, red lips on his skin — he remembers it all. 

As the plane drifts, so does he — where the memory of their last reunion lives. 

* * *

  
**3 years ago**

  
_Love is just a state of mind._

_This was his mantra every single day since the day he left Japan. Yes, there were doubts, but he strengthens his resolve every damn day when he wakes up. He remembered saying it to himself yesterday, and even earlier when he woke up. He always tells himself that maybe it's just all in his head now — that he already moved past every shit he went through, that he's not stuck loving the same person for only god knows how long; the same person he broke in front of him that first snowfall of that year's winter and he was now reunited with, wearing that smile and that fucking ring._

_'Love is just a state of mind', he repeated for the second time today as he watched her talk outside. 'You actually don't love her anymore. You're just nostalgic of the memories. You're just being dumb.'_

_The little jolt of pain from his chest said otherwise. He's been telling himself that line since he went to study business the following year when they broke up. But today, Haruno Sakura managed to put all Uchiha Sasuke's progress he worked hard for more than 2000 days in just less than an hour within her orbit. She's so lethal._

_'Love is just a state of mind, my ass.'_

_He watched her talk animatedly outside the café. In her rush to talk to that 'Neji-kun', she mumbled a quick 'excuse me' to Sasuke and forgot to bring at least her scarf outside. Sasuke watched as she repeatedly hunches her shoulders to her neck and runs her gloveless tiny hand on her arm._

_And even though he saw how her hand holding the phone shaking a little because of the cold, he could also see the happiness radiating from her smile and the brightness of her jade eyes even from where he was sitting._

_It stung, subtly but lingering, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. Not when she looked that way— not his anymore, but still so beautiful._

_Timing is a funny thing. Once you thought you're over it, one pink-haired beacon of spring will bloom in your eternal winter and blow all your progress into next week. What a woman. He would never find anyone better._

_Sasuke fought with himself to look away from her and when he did, he looked at the chair that she occupied a few minutes before she went outside. It reminded him of a time when sitting across from her bright eyes and even brighter smile once annoyed the hell out of him. Not because he hated it but because he started to like it; even craved for it._

_Innocent coffee hang-out as they do algebra, group study with some of Naruto's friends for an upcoming English quiz, spontaneous pizza parlor visits after watching movies — all of them ending up across from each other. Never beside her, no. Always across, right there in front of him, as if saying 'look at me'. She never did say it, but he looked nonetheless._

_Always._

_Sasuke was pulled back to reality when he felt a tap on his shoulder as she moved towards her recently vacant seat, "Hey, sorry about that. Someone just checked in if I'm still alive or not."_

_She said it so lightly that someone might think she was only talking about the weather. He wanted to point out her ring finger and wordlessly ask if the caller was the same person who gave her that ridiculously huge piece of shit, ('she was never the flashy type. she hates the offending thing,' he thought) but he didn't. He just nodded and sipped his coffee that was as bitter as the taste of the truth is._

_"It's fine," he added quietly._

_He watched as she shivered on her seat as she takes a bite out of her muffin. "So," she drawled on. "How have you been?"_

_'So it begins.'_

_"Good. Business is doing great. Economy is booming as ever. Foreign investors are st-"_

_"Oh c'mon, Sasuke," she interrupted. "I'm asking about you, not your company or Japan's economic state."_

_He paused for a second to look at his coffee and said, "There's nothing to say."_

_Sakura actually snorted out loud for that, something that she did a lot when they were younger. "6 years and nothing happened to you? Only your business? Oh please, you know I know shit about business and all that."_

_That made him smile a little, "You know a lot more than you think. You're the smartest person I know."_

_A look of surprise and something he couldn't put a finger on flashed in her green eyes, and for a moment he thought she would blush like she always did when he pays her a compliment. Instead, she answered back steadily._

_"Thank you. But still, I'm more in the medical field than your corporate expertise. I want to know about you."_

_It was making him frustrated. There was a time when he could catch her off guard and make her blush like crazy that makes him go crazy himself. Now, the woman sitting in front of him was so hard to read and so poised and seemed so unattainable that even Uchiha Sasuke,_ the _Uchiha Sasuke, feels inferior._

_He swallowed the slight insecurity that suddenly started to gnaw at his bones for talking to this newest version of Haruno Sakura. She looks different; she sounds different. He now wonders if she smells, feels and tastes different too. He halted his thoughts before it goes worse._

_He leaned back on his seat and shrugged a little, "I'm okay. Busy as always. I rarely have free time like this one."_

_She offered a small smile, "I bet. How's Colonel Mustard?"_

_He smirked at that, "Still grumpy and lazy as hell."_

_"How does he look like now? Do you have any pictures of him? I wanna see," she exclaimed with a tiny hint of excitement. How could he stand a chance to that face?_

_'You're hopeless, aren't you?', his own thoughts mocked him._

_Sasuke took out his phone and scrolled down to his photo gallery. When he saw the picture of his cat taken by his blond idiot best friend, he tossed it to her and she caught it as naturally as a pro. He hid a smile._

_As she scrolled away on his phone, he asked her back. "How are you?"_

_She briefly looked at him just then and answered distractedly, "I'm fine. I'm still pursuing my medical career and it's all good. Hard, but I think I can manage."_

_'Of course, no doubt about that,' he silently praised._

_"I'm not so homebody anymore so I got a few friends. I got them when I started to attend a music class because I wanted to learn piano. I could play it really well now," she added. A hint of pride could be heard in her voice. "Oh, and guitar too. I didn't know th- oh!"_

_He heard the coo from his companion and silently watched her smile and comment on how his pet seemed to be weirder than before._

_"All of his positions are so weird and funny," she said, her fingers covering her lips as she laughed. "And I guess Naruto can't be a photographer even if he wanted to. These photos are terrible."_

_He smothered a chuckle, "You know he's an idiot at everything." He paused for a moment and asked her, "How did you know it was the dobe who took it?"_

_She gave him a look that says 'Really? You're asking me?' and he immediately knew. Do you honestly think Uchiha Sasuke liked taking pictures of his cat? Hell no._

_'You're so predictable, Uchiha. You think you're so sly, aren't you? Look at you now, asshole.'_

_Sakura returned her eyes to his phone, still browsing for his cat's terrible photos, until he saw her flinch a little and stop scrolling. His brain automatically went from zero to 100mph and racked itself for what could've made her act like that. He was also annoyed that he noticed her flinch. It was because he's staring at her. 'Idiot.'_

_She finally raised her eyes to meet his and said, "I guess you still kept it, huh?"_

_She brought his phone back to him and his eyes fell to what was displayed on it. Sasuke fought a shiver inside him because he immediately knew what she was talking about. He regrets that he decided to save it instead of ignoring it._

_It was taken maybe 4 or 5 years ago in his apartment in London where he was studying business and was recently sent by Naruto ('#flashbackfriday when your cat was still a bitch and you were still a workaholic ass. oh wait, you still are!', the blond captioned) through text. The photo was simple — Naruto taking a selfie with his cheeky grin, Colonel Mustard obviously scratching and struggling on the blond's arm as they lounge on Sasuke's room, and Sasuke in the background typing with his one hand and holding a cup of coffee on the other._

_He didn't know Naruto was taking ridiculous selfies with his pet, but he did know that his best friend has this annoying habit of barging into his house and his room without a care. He already gave up scolding him._

_But the one that made Sakura flinch and Sasuke's heart clench was the tiny and a bit blurry object on Sasuke's bedside table in the background— a frame with their picture together when they started dating. The said frame was currently in a box hidden somewhere in his old bedroom in their family house. He hasn't seen it in years. But seeing it now after so many years through a selfie photo of his best friend made him relive the said picture._

_It's the only thing he kept from all the physical reminders of what once was. He was aware that it wasn't good; that he shouldn't have kept it on his bedside table and see it every time he wakes up. But it's the only thing he could look at without hurting much because it reminded him of a good and innocent time. And with the life he had after their break-up,_ lonely _and_ bleak _and just plain_ cold _, that picture gives him a hint of warmth and spring._

_Or maybe he was just a masochistic son of a bitch._

_It was a picture of them on Christmas Eve, the first one they shared as a couple, with them only just a few days of being official. You could say they were drunk — with liquor, with each other, with love. They weren't wearing fancy clothes nor inside a fancy house in a fancy party. They were in Naruto's apartment with a couple of their high school classmates, sweaty and lit and inebriated, counting down the seconds to Christmas._

_Both their faces weren't shown in the picture, but you'd know it was them. Sasuke was facing away from the camera wearing a plain black t-shirt; his wide shoulders, blue-black hair peeking through his cap, and tall height as a give-away to his identity. The slight curve of his arm indicates that he was holding onto something. Or someone, rather._

_Around his torso was a pair of arms, coming from a petite form that was obviously standing at his front. Then there was something peeking from his shoulder. The only things you could see were her bright pink hair, and her equally bright green eyes staring straight through the camera. You could tell she was smiling even if you couldn't see her mouth._

_His face was sideways, so anybody would see the slight curl of his lips partially hidden through pastel strands of Sakura's hair. Throngs of people and their red plastic cups with confettis falling around were all a massive blur in the background. The only clear picture was the picture they made together — drunk in each other's arms but sober to know that it was all real._

_God knows he would kill just for them to be back in that moment. It's foolish, it's dumb; but it's what his heart wants. He knew it deep in his gut and in his soul. He had never wanted anything ever._

_But then, things change. People, too. And Sasuke was aware that this Sakura sitting across from him now was getting married to someone she chose to be with; someone she said 'yes' to; someone who isn't him._

_Truth hurts. These are the facts, and he can't argue with them. No matter how much he shield himself from the onslaught of emotions running through his whole being as they look at each other 6 years after the worst time of his life, the truth was hitting him on the face. It's sitting on her left hand's ring finger and it's blinding and suffocating and god, he wanted this misery to end. When will this ever end?_

_'How do I unlove you, Sakura?'_

_Sasuke wanted to maintain their eye contact, but he needed to breathe. He looked away and closed his lids, took a breath and held it for a few seconds as he thought hard before releasing it. He hoped that Sakura didn't find it weird._

_As expected, she patiently waited for him to speak up. She obviously still remembered his habit of sorting out his thoughts first before blurting them out. He wanted to laugh. Sakura and the world have clearly moved on with their lives while there was him stuck on the same shit he's been doing since forever. So predictable, so pathetic._

_He fought the frown that was threatening to form on his face and opened his eyes to look at her. "Yeah. I kept it," he finally said._

_Sakura was just looking at him, analyzing him with those eyes of hers. 'Stop looking at me,' he thought._

_Sakura finally replied, "I kept mine, too." His heart lurched for a moment. He remembered her own copy — same night, same party, same drunk picture; but in a different angle. Sasuke gritted his teeth to fight his urge to bite his lip. It's a habit of his when he doesn't want anything to spill from him and she knows it, so he just nodded stiffly in return._

_She then added, "Why?"_

_He shrugged nonchalantly, hiding his nervousness and anxiety. "It reminded me of a good time," he truthfully answered but used with a light and careless tone._

_Sasuke saw her frown at that. He felt the gears turning in her head as she prepares her next queries. Sasuke thought, 'I gotta divert this conversation.'_

_"Don't worry about it," he blurted out. "When my mother saw it, she told me I should not dwell on the past anymore. So I think she kept it hidden in our ancestral home."_

_He almost sighed with relief when he saw her face changed expression and settled with a small smile, "How's Mikoto, by the way? Does she still have insomnia?"_

_"She's doing okay now," he answered her, thinking about his mother and her insomnia when Itachi died. "She's good, don't worry. Her pies are still the best," he managed to give her a tiny smirk._

_Sakura smiled, "That's good to know. The last time we saw each other, she looked worn down."_

_He frowned at that. 'They saw each other? When?'_

_His confusion must've been written all over his face so she said, "Didn't Mikoto tell you?"_

_"Tell me what?"_

_Her eyes widened a bit for a split second and softly answered him, "She sent me off at the airport before I went to the States. Mikoto was actually the one I saw before I boarded the plane."_

_Sasuke didn't know what to say; what to think. His mother? Why would she do that? What did they talk about? Why didn't Mikoto tell him?_

_He just continued blankly looking at her, lost for words. Sakura looked back at him with an awkward expression. Apparently, Sasuke wasn't the only one who felt uncomfortable all of a sudden._

_After a few silent seconds that felt like hours, Sakura broke the silence. "We just briefly talked for a few minutes before the gates closed. She asked me what happened to us that time and how you were doing then."_

_Sasuke clenched his fist under the table and scoffed, "I hope my mother didn't tell you how miserable I was."_

_'Still am,' he corrected in his mind. 'How miserable I still am.'_

_Her eyes were steady on his when she answered, "She did, actually. She knew I was as miserable, too."_

_He was now regretting the vulnerability in his words. There was a pang of pain he felt in his chest where his heart lays beating weakly by the minute. He fought the need to clutch it like he did that night when he broke down in front of his mother in their living room._

_'Why are we here? Why am I fucking here?'_

_Sasuke swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and concealed his true fucked-up feelings with a humorless smirk. "Aa. That sounds like my mother," he quietly replied._

_He needed a minute. It's only been what, an hour of being reunited with his first love, and she was slowly but surely breaking down his armor with little to no effort? He wanted a drink or a smoke; anything but this already cold bitter coffee in front of him and this girl, this_ stranger _, that has the face of his long lost love._

_Sakura offered him a tiny smile and said, "Yeah. I hope I can see her before I leave again soon. Would it be okay to have her number? Or is it the same as before?"_

_"No."_

_Sakura blinked and looked taken aback at first with his abrupt answer, "No to what?"_

_"All of it," Sasuke dryly replied._

_Sasuke couldn't take this any longer. He couldn't understand a thing, much less feel anything at all. All he has was this numbness slowly gripping his whole being._

_Green eyes flashed for a second and he heard her say, "Why not?"_

_He countered with, "And why should you?"_

_Irritation could be heard clearly in her tone as she spoke, "She's not just another person in my life, Sasuke. I just want her contact number so I could talk to her."_

_"And I said no," he said. "There's no reason for you to reach out to her anymore."_

_He knew he's being irrational and being a bit childish to be honest, but he couldn't understand why she's doing this. Add that to the gnawing leech of ache in his cold and broken heart, you could say he couldn't think straight at the moment._

_It didn't help that she looks gorgeous while breaking his heart all over again._

_Instead of being angry like he anticipated, Sakura's face turned concerned. 'That face,' Sasuke inwardly sneered._

_"Are you okay?", Sakura calmly asked him._

_He replied, incredulous, "Am I okay? Really?" He scoffed, "Yeah of course, you just told me my mom spilled my guts to you and now you're here trying to reunite with her like nothing ever happened. So why shouldn't I be okay?"_

_Sasuke was trying to compose himself because he could feel his voice starting to shake and rise from too much emotion. The last thing he wanted to do was create a scene in this coffee shop. He kept his face as blank as possible._

_Sakura just stared at him for a long time before answering, "It's been 6 years, Sasuke. You should be okay." Then like just an afterthought, she blinkingly added, "We should be."_

_'What was that supposed to mean?', he screamed in his thoughts. 'You're perfectly fine. Absolutely okay. You're getting married. You got your life altogether and planned out, and you still look amazing while I'm here wondering what the hell am I doing with my life."_

_With all those thoughts, only few words came out, "And what makes you think I'm not?"_

_"Your face says it all, Sasuke. I know you," Sakura replied, still using that calm tone she has._

_It was grating on his nerves so that's why he didn't fight when he abruptly slammed his fist on the table as his voice rose slightly, "Stop it!"_

_Her eyes widened in response and darted around the place. In his peripheral, he saw some customers glance at them curiously. Fortunately, there are only few. It dampened his rising mood and slightly pulled him back to himself._

_His eyes were boring into hers when he said through gritted teeth, "Stop saying you know me, Sakura. Like you said, it's been 6 years. Many things changed."_

_Not all of them, he could admit. Just like his feelings._

_She sighed in response, "Yeah, I could see that. Just like when you opened the door for me. You never did that before." She concluded it with a small smile._

_His insides were in a turmoil. Would every word she's gonna say continue to rattle his emotional and mental state? Is everything gonna remind them of their past? Is everything gonna slap him in the face that they never had a closure in the first place and maybe that's why?_

_She continued talking, "I noticed that you're taller, and that you've gotten a bit of tan. You're not as pale as before. Your hair is longer. You've become more tight lipped, but I guess that's because it's me you're talking to. I mean, after the way we ended I could unders-"_

_"I said stop it," he said quietly._

_Her eyes remained the same, calm and collected, but he could also see a hint of determination and question in them. He couldn't understand. Why does she look like a girl on a mission? Those eyes were steady and serene but piercing and brave at once._

_Sasuke inhaled deep and softly asked, "Why are you saying these to me?" His eyes were still looking through hers, "Why are you here? Why did you drag me here?"_

_He just wanted to drink his coffee and read his books in peace. He did not ask for her to be there at the other side of the road before he crosses it nor ask for her to come along with him. He did not want to see her engagement ring on her finger nor see her drink her black tea._

_He did not ask for Sakura to come back in his life and remind him of what he lost when he let her go._

_"I want to catch up with an old friend and have coffee with him," Sakura answered casually but softly, her eyes still seeking his as if wanting to see his thoughts._

_His anger started to come back and he blurted out, "Friend? We're hardly friends now, Sakura."_

_"But we were once."_

_"Yeah, before I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me," he said with his voice shaking from too much restraint. "Before we kissed with the intention of something more than being platonic. Before I introduced you to my family as my girlfriend and you brought me to your parents' graves."_

_Sasuke heard her softly gasped at that last statement but he continued, "Before that night when we broke up. Before right now where we're here, acting as if none of those shit happened to us."_

_'Before we made love. Before we argued like kids and fucked like adults. Before we stayed up all night just talking about our dreams in the future and woke up in the morning realizing that our future was already_ right fucking there _, staring at us in the face,' he all but screamed inwardly._

_He leaned forward to look at her directly and fought the urge to grab her face to reiterate all of what he's saying. Then he whispered to her with a voice laced with longing and regret and desperation._

_"Before right now where I'm asking you... why you are here. Why are you here, Sakura? Why did you come back?"_

_Sasuke saw her eyes and her whole face softened as they continue to look at each other, until he saw them cast downwards towards the table. He followed her line of vision and saw her left hand._   
_Several thoughts came running through his head, all jumbled and didn't even make sense. But one thing stood out to him even without her saying anything — she came back to Japan because of her engagement._

_His eyes flicked back towards her face and saw her looking at him, almost apologetic and tender that he felt his chest tighten. Then Sakura spoke, "I think you already know."_

_He did. He_ does _. Ever since she picked up her call and he was almost blinded with how fucking shiny her ring was and with how he felt like being punched to the gut, yes he knew. He would never have her back._

_Not now, not ever._

_Sasuke stood up abruptly, forgetting everything except picking up his coat. In his mind, he only wanted to get out of there. Get out of this café. Get out of her life._

_And so as soon as his hands found his coat when he stood up, he quickly strode towards the door. The faint noise inside the café was all but a noiseless background in his mind. He was actually expecting Sakura to call out to him, and when he finally opened the door to exit, all he heard was nothing but the howling of the cold wind outside as it snows._

_The door of the café closed and so did the door of his heart._

* * *

  
_He never paid attention to his surroundings. He just kept on walking and walking under the slight fall of snow around him. The streets were busy and the people were busier, all of them trying to make it through the day. Sasuke was the same. He just wanted to make it through today of all days._

_He never once imagined their reunion would be like this. He had this brief fantasy before about them seeing each other again, and finally realizing that they were meant for each other. They would throw away all the bullshit they went through and start again, fresh and new. They would never part. Never again._

_But he didn't anticipate the fact that Sakura could be loved by someone else, too. And in return, she could love that someone back._

_Sasuke should've known better. She was the smartest, most patient, most beautiful person inside and out that he ever met. He should've known that one person could see and appreciate that as much as he does, and would do everything to fight for her love._

_And that's what Sasuke didn't do — fight for her._

_He released a pained breath and watched as his mouth formed puffs of air because of the cold. He then noticed that he was in a playground, sitting on a swing in a nearly deserted park. His tall frame was hunched down on the tiny swing, his long legs bent as he stared into the ground._

_He had no idea how he got there, but it may be a subconscious act. He always liked things that remind him of a much simplier and innocent times in his life. He also didn't know how much time has passed, but with the faint glow of the sun in the west he could tell._

_"I thought you'd be here," a voice came and knocked on the closed door of his heart. He turned his face towards it, he saw her and suddenly his doors came opening again._

_The winter sun was directly behind her, giving her this eerie glow. Like a nymph; a spring nymph being born in his perpetual winter. He shivered inside._

_Sasuke couldn't see her face properly but he knew she's looking at him with those eyes of hers. He couldn't see them, but he could feel._

_He watched her as she approached him slowly as if he's a wounded animal. In a sense, he was. He felt like it. He's wounded for the longest time, deep and real that he's full of bandages. And now, she was here to rip it all off and pour salt in his wounds._

_"You left these," she said as she passed him his paper bag full of books and his scarf on her other hand. He never left her face but silently took the things out of her grasp and placed the books down as he held onto his scarf. After a few silent seconds, he finally looked away from her and stared at the thing on his hands._

_She spoke again, "I knew you'd be in a playground. You have always been like that."_

_He heard the chains rattled as she sat down on the other swing beside him, facing the opposite way. They sat there in silence, watching as the sky took a break from crying too much snow and families in the park preparing to go back home._

_If you ask Sasuke right now, this might be the only thing that hadn't changed between their dynamic — the silence. They have never needed words ever since they became friends and silence was a comfortable companion back then. When they became lovers, it was like their platonic third-wheel aside from Naruto._

_Right this moment, it was a bit different. The silence was there, but it rang like no other, begging to be noticed. An obnoxious loudmouth bother; a deafening pierce of a non-existing noise. It was right there between the two of them. And with a heavy heart, Sasuke took a breath and broke it._

_"You're getting married."_

_Sasuke saw in his peripheral that she turned her head towards him. He kept his face straight and forward, his eyes trained on two little boys riding a bicycle with their parents following behind. He felt his heart twitch in nostalgia._

_Sakura returned to her original position facing the other way from Sasuke. You could hear the amusement in her voice when she spoke. "He finally said it," she softly said, as if she's talking to an audience._

_He frowned, not caring anymore and looked back at her. He saw her fiddling with her scarf around her neck, noticed that she was not wearing her gloves. He could see the ring, subtly reminding him of why they're here._

_"I was wondering when will you talk about this," she said while looking down at her ring, her voice still soft and quiet. She put down her hands in her lap, "That was the reason I said all those things back there."_ _She then looked back at him and he met her round and honest green eyes, "It was a bit childish of me, I know. But... I just had a feeling you weren't being honest with me back there."_

_'Oh fuck,' he groaned inwardly. 'No, we are not doing this. You are not doing this to me.'_

_Outside, his face scrunched up in confusion and frustration. "Why? Why would you do that?", Sasuke's voice was as quiet as hers._

_Sakura kept her eyes glued to him, "I hate seeing you like that. It reminds me of our last night."_

_All thoughts evaporated. Heartbeats stopped. Breath halted. Sasuke could only do one thing and that was to stare right at the love of his life. He felt something sting behind his eyes and he looked away._

_"I know you weren't being completely true that night. Like I said, your face says it all. I know you good enough even before we got together."_

_She inhaled, "It kinda hurt when I saw you doing the same back at the café. It brought back sad memories." She looked down at her fiddling hands, "And also because... I already know, Sasuke. I already know the whole thing why. Naruto told me."_

_He fought a groan that tried to came out of his lips. First his mother, and now his best friend. Who's next? His father?_

_"He came to visit me in the States right before I started attending Harvard. He told me everything. The company, the merger... the arranged marriage."_

_Sasuke remembered drinking with Naruto a few months after their break-up. And the next day, Naruto told him that his father wanted him to go to Massachusetts to attend a conference. He didn't bother to ask for details because he was still hungover from the night before._

_"He told me you're a mess; that I should go back and fix our relationship because he can't stand to see you that way. Mikoto actually told me the same thing in the airport before I left but in a subtle way. Naruto was pained and sad for you, but Mikoto was scared and concerned."_

_He knew Sakura left a week after their break-up in December. Before the year ended, he remembered his mother ask him if he would follow her. He said no. He wanted to, but he didn't._

_"I want you to know I understand, Sasuke."_

_He gripped the chains of his swing hard. He couldn't even feel the cold of it anymore. He was overwhelmed by so much information that two of his precious people tried their hardest to save him during the lowest point of his life by begging Sakura to come back._

_How pathetic can he be?_

_"You weren't supposed to know," he finally spoke. His voice was gruff and tired. He felt so tired._

_"It's impossible though," she answered. "I would've known it when the news of your marriage comes out." After that statement, she looked up again and asked him. "Now that I think about it, why haven't I heard anything about your wedding?"_

_He exhaled, "She called it off."_

_Yes, Uzumaki Karin decided not to marry Uchiha Sasuke. He remembered the furious face of his father, the relieved exhale of his mother, the anxious fidgeting of Naruto, the wide eyes of Kushina, and the proud smirk of Minato. But most of all, he remembered the determined eyes of Karin and the gratitude behind her slim frames when she looked at him._

_"Oh," Sakura softly said. "What happened?"_

_He played with the scarf bunched at his lap as he replied, "She fell in love for the first time. I told her to decide what she wanted to do and I will respect it. She decided not to pursue the engagement then."_

_Karin was there for him when he and Sakura broke up. She was his companion in social events, casual dinners, drinking alcohol— but that's just it. A companion, a friend; and to Karin, he was the same._

_Yes, they did try to become something more. They kissed once or twice, tried lunch dates, and went to movie theaters. But there was no passion; no spark. There was only mutual respect and comfort, and those weren't the only things a relationship should have._

_When Karin told him that she met someone that she used to be classmates with in high school and they talked, she asked him about how did he know he was in love with Sakura. He answered with, 'It has always been a subconscious thing, I guess. You just know.'_

_So he wasn't surprised when after a year, she told him that she was finally in love for the first time. He told her to do what she wants, and she did. She fought for her feelings and fought for her love. And now she's free, married just a few months ago. Sasuke was her best man because he was her bestfriend. Naruto was pouting the whole ceremony._

_Sakura didn't reply this time but she nodded as she looked away. Sasuke turned his head towards her then, silently looking at her side profile. Her cheeks were pink from the cold and her breath was visible. Pink strands were blowing in the wind making him smell apples. Now he knew that she also smelled different. She smelled like flowers back then._

_Looking at her after 6 years felt like a blessing and a curse at the same time. He felt like he was in a reality show, cameras around him watching his every move and emotions that would run across his face, ready to laugh at him for the biggest prank of his life._

_This is his reality. This is real and she is right there, wanting him to be completely honest with her and say all his thoughts unlike that night; unlike back there at the coffee shop. He could do honest. He would be honest._

_"You're still beautiful," he blurted out._

_Sakura's eyes widened for a bit and she looked back at him. She blinked a few times, completely taken aback by his abrupt statement._

_"I'm glad I haven't taken all your good parts," he continued. "I'm glad you've been able to move past the things that happened. And I'm glad you're doing fine. I haven't told you I was proud of you that night when you told me you got in to Harvard so I'm telling you now — I am proud of you. I'm glad you're back... even if it's because you're getting married."_

_Her green eyes were steadily shaking looking back at his black ones. Sasuke could see them shining and he hoped she doesn't cry because if she did, he was done for. He would be annihilated right there in the middle of a fucking playground._

_With his eyes never leaving hers, he asked her. "Does he love you?"_

_Seconds stretched out and she finally managed to croak out a yes and a nod. Suddenly, Sasuke felt this incredulous urge to laugh. In the end, he let out a small chuckle._

_He gave her a barely-there smile, "Of course he does." His voice was soft but it cracked in the end, "Who wouldn't love you?"_

_Sasuke saw her eyes gathering tears and his fear of seeing them was finally falling from her eyes and right there staring at him in the face. His chest felt tight and his throat burned. He was only whispering his words but he felt like he shouted them to the heavens._

_He twisted his swing with his legs to finally face his whole body to her form. He reached out to the chains of her own swing beside her thighs and moved it to face him. His legs widen and put hers between them so he could support the two of them._

_As he looked at her face to face, from head to toe as they sit in an empty playground within an empty park, Sasuke felt alive. Given that he knew this woman silently crying in front of him was crying because of him, he felt alive for the first time in years. The dull colors of winter faded in the background and all he could see was the pink of her hair, the green of her irises and the gold of the sun slowly setting down behind her._

_Tears kept flowing and her red-stained lips are shaking. Sasuke didn't fight it when he wiped her cheekbone with his thumb, and neither did Sakura. He used the back of his fingers as he wiped the other side. Sakura let him. It felt so surreal to Sasuke._

_He was finally touching her again after 6 years. This was what he wanted to do when she was crying that night on the side of the road where they broke up. She felt different, he realized— softer, more delicate. Even though he knew the past few years haven't been nice to her, she still managed to become more than what she was before and after they ended._

_Sasuke knew it was long overdue, and that these next words should've been said that night and all the nights before and after that, but he said it anyway._

_"I'm sorry."_

_She shook her head no and opened her mouth, "No, you don't have to Sasuke-kun. I understand, you d-"_

_"No, Sak. You need to hear this," Sasuke interrupted. He looked at her intently, "I need this. We both do."_

_Right then, he realized that this reunion wasn't supposed to be the time where they would get back together as he wished for the last 6 years._

_This reunion was for them to finally go their separate ways; to finally accept that things aren't always meant to be— and that includes them._

_Onyx eyes bore into jade ones as he spoke freely, vulnerably, and longingly. "I'm sorry for not being the type to open the door for you. I'm sorry for diverting the topic when I felt like being too exposed. It's because you scare me with how much you know me and I was afraid you'll see how ugly I am inside."_

_She was shaking her head no as he continued, "I'm sorry for ignoring your calls when it all turned to shit. I didn't wanna hear how lonely your voice sounded, that's why. I'm sorry for bringing up your parents when we were arguing that night. It was insensitive of me and I was truly sorry as soon as I said it."_

_"Sasuke-kun, stop."_

_He couldn't hear a thing and his voice started to shake but he pushed through with all the pent-up remorse, pain and love bottled up inside him._

_"I'm sorry for making you feel insecure, for making you feel less of a woman when we were together. I'm sorry for making you cry then and even now. I'm sorry I'm so messed up inside that I feel ashamed being able to talk to you right now." He was blurting out his words and his eyes started to blur simultaneously. Sasuke couldn't see her clearly anymore, only the faint glow of her weeping eyes and the halo on her head made by the sun._

_"Stop."_

_"I'm sorry for not fighting for you; for giving up. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, Sak. I'm sorry for breaking us. Not only that night but all the nights after I accepted my role in my family. I broke you when I said yes, and I broke us when you said it's over and I'm so, so sor—"_

_Sasuke felt her arms around him, her head against his shoulder and her tears on his sweater. He felt all the air inside him disappear as his tears finally fell when he closed his eyes._

_His face reached her head and he buried it against her hair. And as he wounded up his arms around her and crushed her into him, he whispered, "I'm sorry for letting you go."_

* * *

  
_They cried— for the loss, for the death, and for the love of them. They embraced for a long time, both of them not uttering a word. When their storm finally calmed and both weren't crying anymore, Sasuke opened his eyes and stared at the almost setting sun._

_"Do you remember when you asked me before what my favorite song was?", his head was still against hers._

_Sasuke felt her head move and put her chin on his shoulder, "Yeah, I do."_

_He reluctantly let go of her so he could look at her tear-streaked face. He offered a gentle smile, "I have an answer now."_

_In his pocket, he flashed out his phone and then he whipped out an old-looking earphones from the other. He earned a small gasp from Sakura._

_"You're still using it," she said quietly._

_"Hn. I barely use it anymore, but I always bring it with me."_

_It was the same earphones she gave to him on a random day after they listened to her favorite album which he loved. She taught him the power of music and how it moves people and taught him how to appreciate it in any form._

_Sasuke plugged his earphones to his phone and looked for his favorite song. When he found it, he gave the other earpiece to her and watched as she puts it on her ear. It reminded him of that lazy, cold morning listening to Bon Iver and sharing earphones and body heat with Sakura._

_He could see the anticipation in her eyes as she looked at him gently. He wished that she would understand that he was dedicating this song for her._

_"Listen well." That was all he said before pressing play._

_Guitar plucks started to flow through their ears and Sasuke saw the recognition in her eyes. He heard her whisper, "Death Cab, huh?"_

_He just nodded in return and earned a small smile from her. He felt a lot better now than he ever did before._

_When the singer, Ben, started to sing, he was reminded of how he first heard this song while he was cleaning up his room in their house before he left for London to study. Along with their picture of their first Christmas as a couple, he also brought the album that contained this song that he found in his room._

_It was obviously hers and she must've forgotten that she brought it there or she purposely left it. Eitherway, he brought it with him to London and listened to it almost every day for the first year of being alone in a foreign city._

_He pictures Sakura every time he hears this song, especially when a certain part of the song comes—_

  
_All the girls in every girly magazine_   
_Can't make me feel any less alone_   
_I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03_   
_And on your machine_   
_I slur a plea for you to come home_   
_But I know it's too late_   
_I should've given you a reason to stay_

  
_Maybe that's why he loved this record so much, most especially this song, because he relates a lot to it. Their relationship was never perfect. Yes, their love lacked color but only on the outside. Inside, it was bursting at the seams._

_But then, sometimes it isn't enough. When fact and fiction blur together, it could end in tragedy, and that's what happened to them. Sasuke didn't give her enough reason to stay other than the quiet love he had,_ has _, for her. Sakura was never the demanding one, but she deserved more than what he gave. She deserved an explanation, an apology, and a love that fights for her. That was one of his biggest regrets._

_The song ended and the next song came, and then the next. Song after song, he silently dedicated them all to her. Every hook, every line— it was all for her. They sat there, hunched over his phone playing all the music, shivering from the cold but warm enough because of each other._

  
_"I just wanna feel alive_   
_And get to see your face again"_

  
_"I'll make it without you_   
_Though my body's laying here_   
_It's my mouth that must be lying now"_

  
_"I'm talking to what's left of you_   
_Watching what I say_   
_Counting all the freckles on your perfect face"_

  
_"I need to hear in black and white_   
_That you don't need me now_   
_Say you don't want me_   
_That it's not like it was for you before"_

  
_"So don't go away, say what you say_   
_But say that you'll stay"_

  
_"I'll be the one that needs you again_   
_And I'll be the one that proposes_   
_In a garden of roses_   
_And truly loves you long after our curtain closes"_

  
_"When you're young you just run_   
_But you come back to what you need_   
_This love is good, this love is bad_   
_This love is alive back from the dead_   
_These hands had to let it go free_   
_And this love came back to me"_

  
_Words flowed, lyrics lingered; Sasuke dedicated and Sakura listened. Together, they forgave; together, they let go._

* * *

  
_"I need to go," Sakura whispered._

_They were both silent after a few minutes from listening to his playlist. He could tell she understood. Her misty eyes and her lips swollen from too much biting were a few giveaways. She was nervous and anxious about saying something. Sasuke waited._

_"I.. I wanted to say.." she stammered. She was fiddling her engagement ring as she find her words. Then, "It was good to see you again, Sasuke-kun."_

Sasuke-kun. _He felt like he finally redeemed himself because of that added suffix. He finally earned it back. She knew all that happened, she understood, and she listened to his apologies and regrets._

_'I would never ask for anything more.'_

_She finally stood up from her swing and started to turn away towards the setting sun when he found his voice._

_"Are you happy?"_

_Sakura looked back at him, her eyes soft and dreamy. A little red from the crying they did earlier but her vivid greens still stood out from the dull hues of the snow._

_She nodded her head, "I am. And I hope, you are too."_

_From the lonely swing he was sitting on he answered her, "I will be."_

_Sasuke watched as her green eyes flooded with moisture and she closed them as she took a deep breath. She was trying not to cry again._

_"Is this the last time we'll ever see each other?", he asked._

_When she opened her lids, she straightly looked in his black orbs. Their eyes have always been their best assets, and they use it well. Especially at times like this when words don't seem to flow easily._

_Her voice was quivering when she answered him, "Maybe." His heart hurt a little but then she added, "I don't know... I hope not..."_

_He stood up, "Can... can I be selfish for one last time before you go?"_

_He was aware that he decided to never ask for anything from her again. She went through so much just by being with him and even right now as they speak. But like she said, maybe this was the last time he'll see her — beautiful and ethereal with the setting sun bathing the snow-covered world behind her, making her rose-colored hair burn in the right way and her glimmering emerald pools pop out with emotions._

_Sasuke watched her swallow first, as if sensing that he was about to ask for something he wasn't supposed to, and she was right. He was aware this is ridiculous and inappropriate because she is getting married to someone she is happy with, and she has every reason to deny him this which he would respect if she did._

_But he is Uchiha Sasuke; he is selfish, and arrogant, and compulsive when confronted with feelings, and irrational when he wanted to be._

_He is Uchiha Sasuke and she is Haruno Sakura, and only God knows how much he fucking missed her and longed for her and cared for her and_ loves _her._

_He loves her. He always will._

_And so he took one step, then two, up until he reached her shaking form. With anticipation crawling in his veins, making his skin prick and his lips tingle, he asked his final request._

_"Can I kiss you?"_

_Her mouth opened in surprise, her eyes widened in shock. Her breath came in puffs, visible in the winter cold. Sasuke waited patiently, offering a silent prayer to her. He doesn't pray to any god now for he believes there is none, but if Sakura heeds his prayer then maybe there really is one._

_Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, "No."_

_His shoulder sagged. He anticipated it, but it still hurt a little. He understands and he respects it, but he still wanted it. He looked down and forced a smile._

_"I know. It's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have asked. It's ridiculous and completely absu—"_

_"Can_ I _kiss you?"_

_Head whipped upwards as fast as it could that it gave him a sudden whiplash. He saw her soft smile and her even softer eyes and she's just so fucking beautiful it hurts and she's gonna kiss him._

_All he could ever manage was to give her a nervous nod. He was like back to zero, no experience with girls and how to act with them. He was like a child being promised of being brought to an amusement park or given a new toy. He was like a high school teenager realizing for the first time that he was finally getting to kiss this girl that he really really likes._

_Sakura stepped forward and looked up at his face, eyes roaming around as if watching for a shadow of doubt in it. Sasuke looked back and gave her a look of someone who will never get to have this chance again._

_Her bare hands went up and held his face. He helped her by leaning down and pressed his head against hers. He closed his eyes and waited for her kiss._

_Sasuke felt her breath on his lips and heard a murmur laced with strawberry scent. Her cold fingers against his jaw tighten for a bit as her words sank in him._

_"Thank you, Sasuke-kun."_

_His heart stopped as he waited for her soft lips on his eager ones, but it broke altogether when he felt them on his forehead._

_If that wasn't a sign of them really over... if that wasn't a sign for him to really let her go, then Sasuke didn't know what it was._

_He understood it now. She chose to be with this person she's marrying and she chose to be faithful to him. She chose to settle all tangled knots from her past to get ready for her future — her future without him._

_He wanted to cry again but he didn't. He fought it hard, feeling his eyes water behind closed lids as he feels her lips linger on his forehead. He could feel her lips shake as she presses them harder to his skin. He clutched at her waist and gripped her coat hard._

_No matter what happens in the future, he had this. He had this last moment with her, and he would be forever grateful._

_All that happened was a blur after that. In the end, he remembered not watching her go. He immediately turned around as her lips left him. He wanted his last memory of her to be her smiling face close to him, not her retreating figure in the lonesome park._

_No words were said after that. He sat on the swing again, noticing that the sun had finally set. Winter night came howling in and he was alone again._

_Sasuke never saw her retreating back, nor her crying eyes, nor her last attempt to look back at him._

_He would never know... because he would never see her again._

* * *

  
Sasuke takes a deep breath as he walks out of the airport, finally on New York soil. He sees the car that's supposed to pick him up right there in the front. He watched as the driver takes his suitcase and puts it in the trunk. 

All the while, he cracks his neck. He is tired. The flight has been long and his brain is now still fogged with those memories from 3 years ago. 

He can say he's doing better now. He really let her go that day, wishing her all the love and happiness she deserves. He really meant every word he said and everything he did. 

To say that he's not missing her would be a lie, though. She still manages to plague his mind sometimes and make him think of what she's doing right now. Where she is, how she's been, how happy she is; all those things. But for his welfare, he decides not to dwell on those things too much. 

He's 29 now. 9 years have passed since they broke up, and 3 years since they had their closure. He dated once or twice, but it never really worked out. He really tried those times, but there was just something missing. It didn't feel right. 

He isn't rushing through anything. Right now, he's just trying to make his way through every day, one step at a time. Who knows? Maybe this coming year might be the year for his love life. Maybe he will meet someone in his almost 3-week long stay in America. Maybe it's time to finally open his closed-door again. 

As he opens the door of the car, he takes another deep breath and silently hopes so, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the chapter that i wrote after a very distressing day and just wrote it in one go. just like the special chapter, i was crying (when am i not crying, really? lmao) mainly i was listening to Back to You by Alex & Sierra, so you can also add that to your feels playlist. now this is where i will tell you that the next part (if i finish it soon) would either be the original or the alternate ending. eitherway, i hope you're still with me by then. it's been almost 3 years since i have updated this so let's see how this will work for me. thank you!!!!
> 
> Songs used:  
> A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie  
> Echo - Jason Walker  
> Make It Without You - Andrew Belle  
> Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson  
> Let You Go - Jason Walker  
> Don't Go Away - Oasis  
> Happiness - Rex Orange County  
> This Love - Taylor Swift (please also listen to Ryan Adams' version of this because it fucking hurts)


	4. Part Three (Original)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a thin line between love and being in love. Watching romance movies with Sakura back then taught him at least that, even though it differs for everyone. During his young years, he never really thought much of it. He believed they meant the same thing, but now, he knew this—
> 
> Being in love meant wanting that person to be with you. Loving them meant wanting that person to be with someone they love, even if it’s not you.
> 
> Sasuke loving Sakura meant he wished her love and happiness... even if it means it won’t ever be him again.

**_“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald_ **

* * *

Parties have never been his thing.

As the heir of the largest company in Asia, it should be. Social gatherings have been a constant in his life ever since he was a child. Now that he’s at the center of it all, he should be used to it by now. With his looks, his presence, his aura of authority that screams attention, and his last name that is one of the most influential clans in Japan— one could say that Uchiha Sasuke was born for this. 

And he absolutely hates it. 

The whole ballroom is packed— politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, trophy wives and social climbers all in one spot. If this wasn’t a tradition of their family for generations, he would’ve canceled this already. He has no intention of socializing with these people aside from gaining profit from them, in all honesty. This is just all just for the company. 

From across the room near the center stage where a quartet is playing classical music he doesn’t have the ears for anymore, he sees his mother talking to an important person in the government. 

_Well_ , he thought. _This is for her, too._

He remembered when he was still a teenager and his brother Itachi, who shared the same sentiment as he when it comes to events like this, always let their mother do whatever she wants for this annual Christmas ball. It’s Mikoto’s favorite season, so Itachi always made sure she gets what she wants. 

Sasuke continues to honor his brother’s own tradition and this is the 6th time since he took over the company when he turned 25. He’s 30 now, and he promised he will do it for as long as he can. 

A hard clap on his shoulder pulls him out of his thoughts and he already knows the only man who would dare do that. 

“Dobe,” he mutters under his breath without looking back at him. 

He feels an arm suddenly sling around his shoulders and give him a squeeze. Sun-kissed skin, bright blue eyes and an even brighter grin— Naruto answers his best friend in his signature loud tone. 

“Teme!” 

Around them, several cameras flash, and heads turn. Some frowned, some ogled. It’s not every day that you can see the two young heirs of two of the richest and most powerful companies in the continent in one frame— 

Uzumaki Naruto with his sunny smile, glowing cerulean orbs, and a ridiculous-looking orange bowtie that he miraculously pulls off with his black suit fitted for him; and Uchiha Sasuke in a dark blue suit that clings to him like a glove and so dark it’s almost black, with his even darker midnight blue hair and those sharp onyx eyes. 

They have been best of friends since forever, but today they are also business partners. They’re brothers, but they’re also rivals. It will always be this way for the two of them. 

“Nice party going on right here, teme. Congrats,” Naruto finally softly says. He must’ve noticed that they’re in public and as far as the public knows, Uchiha Sasuke can’t be called Teme by anyone. 

Sasuke shakes his shoulder to let Naruto know that his arm is heavy. The blond takes his arm away as Sasuke replies with his own trademark, “Hn.” 

A waiter passes by them with several champagne glasses on a tray and the boisterous-but-now-slightly-tamed blond takes two. He gives the other one to Sasuke and they clink flutes before sipping. 

Now’s probably the perfect time to mention that Naruto is married. Sasuke sometimes forgets that his best friend is a husband now, but now that he notices Naruto’s occupied ring finger, he is suddenly pulled back to reality. 

“Where’s your wife?” Sasuke inquires. “You brought her, right?” 

Naruto lowers his glass, “Of course I did. Gotta show her off since we’re having our first baby!” Sasuke takes notice of the proud angles of his best friend’s shoulders as he says those words and he feels a pang of envy for a split second before it went away. 

“She’s there talking to your girl,” the blond playfully nudges his side as they look towards one of the tables and see two women talking. 

Ah, you see, he finally has a date now. After years of going solo to this annual party, he finally had a person clinging to his arm at the red carpet. 

The one in a purple gown with her blonde hair tied up and her belly a little round because of a growing human inside is Naruto’s wife, Ino. She was the one betrothed to his best friend 5 years ago. Unlike Sasuke, who was supposed to marry Naruto’s sister Karin for the merger, Naruto and Ino clicked when they were officially introduced to each other. They dated for 2 years before tying the knot— not just for their companies, but also for their love. 

Talking to Ino Yamanaka-Uzumaki is his date. His girl, as Naruto put out earlier. He smirks at the thought. If this woman knew Naruto was calling her his girl, she would talk the blond’s ear off. 

She looks beautiful in her own way with her pink chiffon gown, her short hair curled perfectly and her green eyes sparkling as she talks animatedly to the blonde. She is the social butterfly that befriends anyone and she makes him smile with her wit and her charms. 

“You happy, teme?” he hears Naruto ask him. He looks toward his friend and sees him smiling softly at the women a few distances away. Moments pass and Sasuke sees his best friend turning his blue eyes to his black ones, serious but soft at the same time. 

With that question in mind, he remembers late-night coffees over light conversations about films, deep talks while sitting on the stage of an empty auditorium, and fleeting kisses on lips, familiar and unfamiliar at once. He thinks about how thankful he is that he finally has this again. 

And so he nods his head yes, and watches his best friend release a sigh of relief. Naruto smiles so bright at him and grabs the side of Sasuke’s neck, “I’m proud of you.” 

Before Sasuke starts to choke up a little because of the emotional way Naruto’s looking at him, a soft voice interrupts them. 

“Am I interrupting something?” 

Uchiha Mikoto stands regal and proud with her elegant white robes over a sapphire-colored long gown. Her long black hair is tied low at the base of her nape in a flowing ponytail. Sasuke remembers his brother and his heart squeezes a little. 

Naruto, ever the gentleman, lowers his head to bow to her before he reaches out and kisses her cheek once. “You could never,” he says to Mikoto. 

“You look so handsome Naruto-chan,” she replies while fixing his collar near the orange bow tie. 

The blond loves it when Mikoto calls him that and Sasuke looks dispassionately as his friend practically glows because it, “There are only 3 women that I would be handsome for— my mother, my wife, and you.” 

“Stop flirting with my mother, dobe,” Sasuke deadpans. 

An obnoxious and exaggerated loud gasp comes out of Naruto as he puts his hand against his chest like he is affronted by Sasuke’s statement, “It’s called charm. You could use one since you’re such a tightass, teme.” 

Mikoto smothers her laugh behind her hand and she uses the other one to lightly slap Sasuke’s arm, “Let him live, Sasuke.” 

Sasuke looks down at his mother, seeing the laugh behind her eyes. He looks back up to his best friend and sees him sticking out his tongue at him. Sasuke rolls his eyes and sighs. 

“Well, I need to go back to my wife. My parents would kill me if they knew I left her for your son.” 

Mikoto laughs again and answers, “Of course. Tell Kushina and Minato that we should catch up when they come back here in Japan.” 

Naruto wraps her in a bear hug and after that, punches Sasuke on the chest lightly. Sasuke only grunts in response and watches as Naruto walks away from them towards their dates. He sees him approach the table and gives a kiss to both ladies. 

Instead of watching the same scene Sasuke does, Mikoto gazes at her son instead. A full-grown, beautiful, and competitive 30-year old man, and the brilliant mind behind a multi-national company of their family for generations. Her only living son. Her pride and joy. 

Sasuke feels the stare of his mother, that's why he turns his head towards her and looks down to see her face staring up at him. “What is it?” he asks. 

She shakes her head softly. Mikoto reaches up and affectionately pushes his hair away from his eyes. He doesn’t seem to mind. “Nothing really,” she answers softly. “I’m just glad you’re here.” 

He reaches for her other hand placed on his chest and squeezes it once, “I’m always here.” Sasuke sees the sincerity in his mother’s eyes so he adds, “Every year even.” 

Mikoto gives him a soft snort but still responds with a serious tone, “Yes, I know that. But you know what I mean. I’m just thankful you’re here with me. Not just right now but always.” 

Sasuke does. They’re thinking about the same thing anyway— Itachi. He would've been here hating it the same way as Sasuke but would've been here for their mother as well. 

He is moved by his mother’s words. They talk often, but they always do it alone together. He will place his head on her lap and let her caress his hair to sleep sometimes. Other times, she will grab his arm and wrap it around her shoulders when they’re watching an old movie. Sasuke lets her fuss over him when he visits their house, takes her to spontaneous lunch dates, and even surprises her with a trip within or out of the country. 

Sasuke has always been affectionate towards his mother since he cried all those years ago in her arms that fateful winter night. Once he remembered that he may grow up for all he wants, he is still her son; her only living one. He already forgot how it felt like to be pampered by a mother’s love just because he chose to grow up early. And because of that, he wants to be her son again. He will always try to be her son again. 

With the nostalgic taste of Itachi’s name both unspoken between the two of them and the affection he feels for her, he lets himself kiss her forehead among the sea of strangers in this party he now tolerates instead of hates. 

Mikoto smiles softly and looks up at him, “I’m also glad you finally brought a date. A familiar one at that.” 

He now hears the teasing tone behind her words and he leans back to slightly smirk at her, “Maybe I just got tired of your nagging, kaa-san.” 

She gives him a big smile and looks towards the table where his date is. Sasuke follows her line of vision. “She’s become even prettier since the last I saw her,” Mikoto comments.

Sasuke silently agrees as he sees the subject of their conversation looks back at them where he stands with Mikoto and her green eyes spark in recognition. She turns to Ino and Naruto, now busy fussing over the blonde’s baby bump and finally stands up exposing her backless gown. He fights a smirk. 

_Yeah, mother. She really is pretty._

Sasuke patiently waits for her as she makes her way towards him and Mikoto. Suddenly, he remembered last year’s party the same as this where he left early and went to a coffee shop in the middle of the night wearing his expensive suit and saw her there in a bright yellow peacoat and blue jeans. 

But not before seeing someone who was a link to his past that made him realize that maybe this girl, his now date and maybe-definitely-his-girl, is worth the party he left from.

* * *

**1 year ago**

_Jet-lagged and caffeine-deprived, Sasuke left the Christmas ball of his own company to seek his favorite beverage._

_Approximately 4 hours ago, he landed back in Japan from a 3-week long stay in New York for a conference and several meetings with some future overseas partnership. It was 2 hours ago when he came to Kyoto where the Uchiha Corporation’s Annual Christmas Ball was held this year and directly went to the venue after changing clothes._

_And now, he’s currently walking alone in an unfamiliar street looking for a decent café for a decent coffee._

_As he wandered around the streets of Kyoto, Sasuke noticed how peaceful and quiet it was compared to the loud and busy colorful city he lives in. Tokyo was bristling with energy and people as Kyoto was calm and composed of only a few wandering souls especially in a time like this. It was almost midnight which also meant it’s gonna be only a day before Christmas._

_He looked around and saw a vinyl record store, a small elementary school, a few college kids huddling in a corner smoking through the cold, a few patrons going in and out of a local pub, and Kyoto’s biggest hospital— Kyoto General Hospital._

_Recently, Sasuke heard that KGH could even tie with Tokyo Medical Center for being the top hospital in the country for its recent innovation with incurable diseases._

_Why does he know this? Uchiha Corporation has been a constant investor and donor to every hospital in Japan. He also helps in building new hospitals in rural areas locally and in other countries in Asia._

_Also, he had to be updated with his investments. Now that he thought about it, he realized that there would be a major change with his current involvement with KGH. He heard that there would be a new head of the hospital in the next year or two. If he’s not mistaken, a Hyuuga was about to take over. Dr. Sarutobi would be retiring after 20 years of being the head. He released a sigh inwardly for he likes to see a new face aside from the old man’s grumpy one._

_The Hyuuga’s were known for their reputation in the law department, not the medicine field, as far as Sasuke knew. He remembered briefly that his father went to the same high school with the head of the Hyuuga. ‘That would be interesting,’ Sasuke thought._

_The strong smell of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls and delicious coffee found his senses as he passed by an establishment and halted his thoughts. He stopped walking and looked back at the building with a spiral logo and the name Konoha at the front. Sasuke saw two figures emerging from the door._

_Two men wearing white coats, doctors obviously, went past him and the smell hit him again. He heard one talk about his dog biting his girlfriend while munching a cinnamon roll, while the other in a high ponytail drawl a response sounding like ‘troublesome’ before sipping his coffee._

_‘Looks like I found my café.’_

_Sasuke entered the coffee shop and met with almost no customers inside. There was only one teenage couple in the corner having a quiet but tense conversation and an elderly man talking to his phone right beside the door. The place was well-lit and had a nice ambiance, music softly playing in the background. It was warm inside, too._

_He noticed that there was a bar and behind that was a barista wiping his glasses. It looked like your typical bar for alcohol and not for coffee which Sasuke found fascinating._

_He approached the empty bar and sat on the stool, “Coffee, please. Black.”_

_The barista looked at him through his high collar as he put back his glasses on. Sasuke noticed how the man eyed his expensive suit under his black long coat but asked nothing about and went to prepare his coffee. He waited for a few moments and roamed his eyes around as always._

_From his seat, he could see different coffee machines, cups and glasses behind the counter. Looking back to where the entrance was, he had a good view of the hospital behind the glass door. Few people that passed by were huddled up in their scarves and coats to prevent themselves from getting cold during this winter. He was glad the snow here in Kyoto is mild compared to Tokyo._

_He took off his coat and placed it on his lap when a cup of steaming coffee was placed in front of him. He murmured a thanks to the barista and lifted the cup to his lips. Sasuke exhaled a sigh of relief after sipping his first caffeine in almost a day. The coffee was good._

_He contemplated getting a cinnamon roll like he smelled from the doctors earlier. He was looking up at the menu found overhead by the barista when he felt a figure sat beside him at the bar._

_“You should try the apple pecan muffin. It’s good.”_

_Sasuke turned his head around and saw an unfamiliar man with long brown hair and light lilac eyes. His irises looked so faded that his eyes seemed white overall._

_Confusion must have been written all over his face that’s why the man continued, “Trust me, man.”_

_“Hey attorney,” Sasuke heard the barista called the brunet. “The usual?”_

_“Yes, Shino. Thank you.”_

_“Here to pick up the missus?”_

_The mysterious man smiled fondly, “Yeah. If I don’t, she will overwork herself again.” The barista, Shino, just chuckled softly before preparing the order._

_Sasuke watched this brief exchange with slight confusion and curiosity. He took a sip of his coffee as he scoured his brain. It felt like he knew the man but his memory was telling him no._

_“You seem bothered,” Sasuke heard the guy say. “Are you alright?”_

_His sharp eyes scrutinized him for a moment. The man didn’t even look remotely intimidated. Most people do when Sasuke looks at them like this. The long-haired man just looked calm and curious, his light eyes with a hint of something he couldn’t pinpoint. It was starting to frustrate Sasuke._

_“Do I know you?” he abruptly asked. “I don’t want to seem rude, but why are you talking to me?”_

_A glint of surprise and clarity passed the peculiar eyes of this man beside him. It was like there was a confirmation behind those orbs of his. The man even had the corner of his lips lift a little. Sasuke frowned._

_They were interrupted when Shino placed the man’s order in front of the guy. Sasuke heard a thanks and watched as the man sipped his black tea. As he placed back his cup on the saucer, the man turned back to Sasuke._

_“I apologize,” the man started. “I should’ve introduced myself first. Honestly, where are my manners?” He slightly chuckled. He continued, “It’s just that it’s rare to find the head of Uchiha Corp here in Kyoto at this hour. I was a bit surprised.”_

_Sasuke blinked for a split second, totally forgotten that he was easily recognizable as well. He could almost hear his best friend’s voice in his head as the blond once said to him that he’s like a celebrity instead of an heir to a multimillion company._

_“I understand,” he answered back. “But it still doesn’t answer my question to you. Do I know you?”_

_‘Because I feel like I do... or I should do.’_

_The brunet smirked lightly, “No, you don’t. I don’t know you as well, aside from the fact that you’re_ Uchiha Sasuke. _”_

_Sasuke noticed the way he drawled on his name, as if he knew something other than his mere name and status as a businessman and an influential person in the country._

_He confirmed it when the man continued to speak, “But my wife knows you... knew you, rather. I’m pretty sure you haven’t talked in years.”_

_Sasuke tilted his head slightly, “Who?”_

_The man looked at him dead in the eye and dropped a name that only lives in his memories—_

“Sakura _.”_

_He fought the shiver that threatened to run up his spine when he heard her name but he couldn’t help the sharp intake of breath he did. Sasuke saw the man,_ Sakura’s husband _, smirk a little. He offered a hand to Sasuke who sat there a little dumbfounded._

_‘Neji-kun’, he suddenly remembered from 3 years ago. He remembered hearing that name from her mouth as he saw her ring finger that day. How could he fucking forget?_

_“Neji Hyuuga,” the now-not-nameless-man-anymore-who-happens-to-be-his-first-love’s-husband introduced himself. “Pleased to make your acquaintance.”_

_‘I should’ve known with those eyes of his,’ Sasuke silently berated himself._

_Proper sense of decorum came back to Sasuke and he shook Neji’s hand firmly. “Uchiha Sasuke. Likewise,” he murmured in return. When their hands let go, he used the same hand to lift his cup of coffee and sipped to have an excuse to think about the current situation._

_‘What. The. Fuck.’ Those three words were Sasuke’s only thought._

_He heard a soft chuckle from Neji so he looked at him. Neji looked back and said, “Awkward?”_

_Sasuke forced a small lift of the corner of his lips, “Yeah, a little. Aren’t you?”_

_Neji looked thoughtful. He took a breath, his eyes squinting a little, his lips slightly pursed. “I’m more like… in a dilemma,” he finally answered Sasuke._

_“About what?”_

_“About whether I should punch you in the face for breaking Sakura’s heart or thank you for it because if you didn’t, I wouldn’t have her by now,” Neji bluntly replied. “As_ my wife _.”_

_As much as it pains him to admit, Sasuke couldn’t seem to read the enigmatic Hyuuga. His words were bragging, maybe he was, but his tone wasn’t. It was a combination of fondness and condescending._

_Neji continued to sip his tea and chuckled again, “I know you understand.”_

_Sasuke gave an ironic smile, “I do.”_

_“Good,” Neji replied curtly. “So, what are you doing in the middle of Kyoto at this hour?” Sasuke replied wordlessly by pointing to his cup of coffee._

_Neji nodded in response, “I heard you have your infamous annual thing going on here. I’m surprised you weren’t there.”_

_“I left. I hate parties,” Sasuke shortly responded._

_The other man smirked, “Who wouldn’t? With the families both of us have, it’s hard not to hate it, especially if it’s the same shit and same people every year.” Sasuke just silently nods in agreement._

_A few minutes passed and no words were exchanged. Sasuke was fighting an inner battle between bolting out of this coffee shop or asking this man beside him how_ she _was._

_“Go on,” Sasuke heard Neji say. He looked at the brunet and he was met with a small smirk. "I can see it in your expression. Ask away.”_

_Maybe it came with his profession as a lawyer, but Sasuke thought that Neji has good perception. It takes a lot of difficulty to read Uchiha Sasuke. But then again, anything related to Sakura leaves him open like a gaping wound. It’s an irrefutable fact. He knew it the moment she said yes to being his girl; it cemented when he first knew he loved her; it was endgame when she left. She was the key to his vulnerability; his Achilles’ heel._

_“How is she?” Sasuke asked quietly among the whirring noise of the coffee machine and the shy beat of his longing heart. “How is Sakura?”_

_Neji's lilac eyes softened as he remained focused on Sasuke for a couple of seconds before he faced the bar again. “She’s incredible. I know this is not news to you anymore, but she really is.”_

_Sasuke subtly looked down and smiled to himself. He offered a mumbled reply, “Of course.”_

_“She’s gonna be the new head of that hospital outside. Though, I’m assuming you already know.”_

_He suddenly turned to look at Neji, obviously surprised, and said, “She’s the Hyuuga that will replace Sarutobi?”_

_Neji proudly answered, “Yes. Sakura would be the first in our clan to be in the field. My parents are ecstatic, especially my father, and so is the Hyuuga head. Because of Sakura, his youngest daughter Hanabi would pursue studying medicine as well.”_

_With the little information Sasuke knew about the Hyuuga clan, they were separated into two: the main house and the branch house. It would seem that Neji is a part of the latter. Not that it makes any difference to Sasuke. This man was still the one Sakura chose to spend the rest of her life with._

_The brunet continued to speak, “She’s a little pressured since Sarutobi Hiruzen was the head for two decades, but every time she feels the weight, she just pushes back. Every single time. She just strengthens her resolve and says she learned from Senju Tsunade herself, and she will go on like she didn’t break down a few minutes ago.” He chuckled after, “She’s amazing like that.”_

_Listening to Neji, Sasuke couldn’t help but remember things from the past. Things like Sakura worrying over an English quiz when they were in high school and absolutely acing it afterwards. Or the time when she cried with her friend who was dumped by the debate club president and verbally annihilated the poor leader in their own event because he was a sexist pig. There was that one memory from their college freshman year when his cousin Shisui pranked Sakura by telling her Sasuke was cheating on her and she punched him square in the face. He could even remember Itachi’s laugh when Shisui visited their house that night to come clean on Sasuke._

_Sasuke knew this Sakura that her husband was talking about— emotional and vulnerable, but never backs down from a challenge; someone who knows their worth and willing to fight tooth and nail for it. Literally._

_“I’m not surprised since she may be the strongest person I have ever known,” Sasuke responds quietly, stirring his slowly-becoming-cold coffee. A small smile formed on his lips, “I’m glad she’s still the same.”_

_But in between those hazy memories of the past came fragments of moments that would never happen in the future. In his mind flashed a mosaic of broken dreams he would’ve killed just to experience— ordering her usual in her favorite coffee shop, picking her up from her late shift in the hospital she’ll soon be running, and bringing her home in a house they have together; in a future they have together._

_The world has always had a funny habit of turning itself upside down for Sasuke. In hindsight, he should’ve known this exact moment would happen. He would meet the one person he would sacrifice just to switch places with, and he would long for Haruno Sakura like he never stopped._

_Because the truth was he never really did. And he knew—just like the way he’s certain his heart would forever be hers— that he never would. He would never stop aching for her._

_“You still love her,” Neji’s hushed voice brought him back to reality. Sasuke gave him a glance and the other man’s eyes were intent on him. “You still love Sakura.”_

_Sasuke’s answer was instantaneous like he was waiting for Neji to state this truth. “Yes,” he declared, his voice clear and true. “Yes, I do. I still love Sakura.”_

_There was no denying it. Sasuke knew of the saying “time heals all wounds” and he knew it was bullshit. Time only dampened the feelings a little; as if making him think that he’s moved on but he never really was. He felt it 3 years ago when they had their reunion and he still felt it now as time reminded him again that it never really heals wounds that run this deep; this real._

_If that was true, he wouldn’t feel like a lost little boy for 9 years now. If that was true, he wouldn’t be sure his gravestone would include her name as one of his family members when he dies. If that was true, he wouldn’t be fighting his growing need to beg for this man right now to give her back._

_‘Give Sakura back to me. I beg of you. I need her more than you do. I love her more than you do. Please. Please. Please.’_

_But he knew he couldn’t do that. If Sakura could hear his thoughts right now, she would’ve punched him just like she did Shisui all those lifetimes ago. Sakura deserved better, if not the best, and if her husband was that for her then so be it._

_“I won’t apologize for it,” Sasuke added. He casually raised his hand to signal the barista to refill his cup before turning back to Neji, looking directly at him._

_“There are a lot of things I’m apologetic about, and I already asked for forgiveness from her the last time we saw each other. I would say sorry once more if I ever get the chance to see her again, honestly.” He smiled infinitesimally._

_He heard the liquid of his coffee being poured in his cup and the great aroma of it filled his senses, but his dark eyes remained glued to Neji’s light ones as he finished his thoughts. “But I don’t want to apologize by being truthful about my love for Sakura. And as her husband, you must understand why I still do. I might not be_ in love _with her now, but I know I’m always gonna love her.”_

_There’s a thin line between love and being in love. Watching romance movies with Sakura back then taught him at least that, even though it differs to everyone. During his young years, he never really thought much of it. He believed they meant the same thing, but now, he knew this—_

_Being in love meant wanting that person to be with you. Loving them meant wanting that person to be with someone they love, even if it’s not you._

_Sasuke loving Sakura meant he wished her love and happiness... even if it means it won’t ever be him again._

_“You’re a real piece of work, Uchiha-san. Has anybody ever told you that?” Neji finally uttered. He was slightly shaking his head, still looking at Sasuke, absentmindedly touching his wedding ring. “Now I know why…”_

_Sasuke sipped on his second cup and waited patiently for him to speak again._

_“It took me a long time to break down her walls. She had it so high and so strong I almost gave up,” Neji’s gaze strayed from him and was now far away as he talked. “Some of my friends made fun of me for pursuing this girl, this cotton candy pink girl who just happened to be the smartest person I’ve ever met, and told me to find someone else. I mean, I was a Harvard law student. I can find someone even better.”_

_“Let me guess,” Sasuke quietly interrupted. He slightly smirked, “You thought, “if it’s not her, then no one else”.”_

_Neji shared a smirk with him as well and even let out a small chuckle, “Exactly.” The brunet sighed and looked at his ring, “That’s why the moment she said yes to being my wife, I cried. It’s the first time I wept in front of someone. It was embarrassing.”_

_Sasuke thought but didn’t want to interrupt him, ‘I would’ve cried, too.’_

_“I’ve never really thought about you, even after she told me all about you when we were still just friends,” he continued. “I didn’t feel angry or jealous. I didn’t feel scared; even now, actually. Any person might feel a little bit of fear knowing your history together, that their spouse loved another soul before them, and loved that soul in the truest sense of the word.”_

_Neji unclasped his fingers and shifted his body on the bar stool to face Sasuke fully, “No, I’m not afraid. I’m pretty confident with her love for me. That’s how Sakura is. She would make you feel like you don’t need anything else because she makes you feel content. With her. With what you have. Hell, even with yourself.”_

_The sound of the door chime and another cafe employee’s soft welcome greeting were faintly heard but both men sat proud on their respective seats, as if there was no one else around. In his peripheral, Sasuke saw a flash of yellow coat and denim pants walking towards their direction, but he paid no mind. The touch of color went past both him and Neji’s sitting forms, and Neji spoke again._

_“But now I know why I felt a little bothered 3 years ago. It was right after her reunion with you.”_

_Sasuke’s eyes went wide and he swore his heart jumped for a reason. ‘Why? What happened?’_

_Memories of that day still occupy a special corner in his skull and his ribcage— the coffee shop and her engagement ring, the playground and her sad tears, the winter and her last kiss. His chest clenched a little painfully._

_“We had a dinner meeting with our wedding planner that night. We were supposed to go together after she went out but she texted me and said we should just meet there at the restaurant. She was a little late,” Neji shared. “But the moment I saw her face, I knew she cried. I didn’t ask because I knew she’d share it if she wanted to, so the meeting went by. Nothing was amiss aside from her puffy eyes._

_“We got home and just went to sleep straight away since we’re still both jetlagged. I woke up in the middle of the night because I felt cold and she wasn’t on her side of the bed. When I found her in our living room, she was sobbing with hands on her mouth to muffle her sounds, and was clutching a photo.”_

_Neji looked at Sasuke at this point, “Do you know what photo it was?”_

_In his mind, Sasuke already did. After all, he still got this copy— the one in Naruto’s party days after they got official. The drunk smiles, the happy eyes. The palpable love in that single photograph. He gritted his teeth to brace himself for the next words Neji would say._

_“She was crying over you,” the brunet laughed humorlessly. “We were engaged and together for almost 4 years at that time and I’ve never seen her like that since she cried when she first told me about you both.”_

_Perhaps this was the time that Sasuke might need something stronger than coffee because he was pretty sure his heart just shattered with all this information._

_But Hyuuga Neji was relentless inside this cafe as he was fierce in a courtroom, “I went to her and comforted her. Right then and there, she told me she saw you again. And while it’s still true that I haven’t felt scared of you even before, that night I got scared of her._

_“After all, Sakura is the kind of woman you never wanna let go of. I was scared of her leaving me; of her running away from what we had because of her first love. And I was prepared for it as I asked her what she wanted to do, or if she was having any doubts about us and our engagement._

_“She took a long pause. I swear I was ready to argue, to plead, to beg if need be. But after some excruciating moments, she took my hand and told me she wanted to be with me. She said she already made her choice when she chose to let me inside her heart and told me I’ve made her genuinely happy for the first time in years.”_

_The man just exhaled a big breath before murmuring, “I cried in front of her the second time that night.”_

_Silence permeated the small shop and only the whirr of the coffee machines could be heard. Inside Sasuke, his heart continued to beat weakly as the seconds passed._

_‘It still hurts,’ Sasuke placed a hand on his chest. Knowing the other side of the story of that day, he couldn’t help but remember the way he numbly went back home that winter night with his new books, his scarf, and the ghost of Sakura’s lips on his forehead._

_He murmured, “Why are you telling me this?”_

_“Because you have the same look in her eyes when she still spoke about you.”_

_Sasuke received a small compassionate smile from Neji and he couldn’t help but hurt all over again when he heard Sakura’s husband speak again._

_“And just like you know you’re always going to love her, I’ve already accepted the silent fact that there is a part of her that will always love you, too.”_

* * *

_It was almost one in the morning when Neji finally stood up and put his scarf on, saying he needed to pick up Sakura soon. It reminded Sasuke that Sakura is literally a few meters away from him now. She’s inside that hospital in front of this very cafe._

_Sasuke stood as well and faced the lawyer who just made him feel like he was on trial for the past hour and nudged the thought and the need away before it could even fester._

_‘Don’t torture yourself anymore, moron.’_

_Sasuke offered his hand, “Thank you for speaking with me, Hyuuga-san.”_

_“Likewise,” Neji answered and shook his hand. “And please, Neji’s fine. I got used to it when I was in the States anyway.”_

_“Sure. You can call me Sasuke as well.”_

_They parted hands and the brunet gave him another small smile, “I’m glad I was able to meet you, Sasuke.”_

_“Thank you for understanding. You’re a good man,” Sasuke did a smile of his own but it was brief until it faded away in a split second. “Take care of Sakura… though I already know you would.”_

_“I promise.” Neji studied him thoughtfully for a few silent beats until he asked Sasuke, “Would you like to see her now?”_

_Sasuke took a hushed gasp of surprise with the question. 3 years since they saw each other, and now here they were, separated by a mere street and her loving husband._

_He wanted to say yes. Of course, he did. He does. He always will. That desire to see her gorgeous face one more time would always be something hidden within his heart. But looking back at his vivid memory of that playground and the way she smiled at him before kissing his skin was enough for Sasuke to say no instead._

_“No,” Sasuke gently shook his head as he sat on the stool again. “I mean, yes I want to see her again… but not now, I guess...” He smiled sadly, “Perhaps in another winter.”_

_He wanted that image to be his last memory of her. Sasuke didn’t want to be selfish anymore. This night helped him realize that if Sakura could find her happiness somewhere else despite her love for him that ran deep, and perhaps would always be profound, so could Sasuke._

_This time, for real, Uchiha Sasuke had let_ ~~_Haruno_ ~~ _Hyuuga Sakura go._

_Neji’s light eyes glinted under the lighting inside the shop and nodded in understanding before turning around to make his way outside._

_He didn’t want to watch Neji reach the hospital in the hopes of seeing a glimpse of pink hair so Sasuke turned his back towards the entrance and sat silently by the bar._

_Little did he know, and so did Neji, a pair of yearning green eyes already saw them even before Neji decided to leave the establishment._

_Sasuke was never able to see her trembling hands that almost opened the door when she first saw his tall frame and handsome face. He was never able to see the trickle of a lone tear on her snow-kissed skin as she looked at him from afar. And he was never able to see her sad smile as her husband left him sitting there._

_Sasuke’s back was still facing the doors so he didn’t witness the way the lawyer’s eyes went wide when he saw his wife and how the doctor kissed his cheeks surprise. He never caught the brunet’s soft inquiry of ‘have you been outside long?’ and the rosette’s response that says ‘no, but i want to prepare early for Christmas eve tomorrow so let’s hurry’. He didn’t get a glimpse of Neji telling Sakura that Sasuke was inside._

_“Do you want to see him?” Sasuke didn’t hear Neji ask._

_He also didn’t see her woeful smile, “I do.” She reached out to her husband’s hand and squeezed it to alleviate the urge to look inside again for one last glimpse of him before adding, “But maybe in another winter.”_

_Sasuke never saw the surprised look on Neji’s face and the kiss that Sakura planted on his arm before mumbling, “Take me home, Neji-kun.”_

_Sasuke didn’t take notice of anything and perhaps, it was for the best. Sakura left together with her husband as she longingly thought so, too._

* * *

_Back inside the cafe, Sasuke was alone again with his thoughts. It was a whirlwind of emotions for him today. He should’ve known really. Anything related to Sakura would always send him reeling._

_He checked the time and cursed because he had to get back to the venue of their event where he was also staying. He knew his mother would nag at him and receive a stern look from his father. Sasuke sighed in defeat._

_When he stood up to put on his coat, he didn’t notice someone passing behind him. As he took a step back, Sasuke felt a body and heard a faint shout of surprise. He immediately turned around to look._

_Pristine yellow peacoat was now stained with cappuccino and her tight blue jeans were a casualty, too._

_“Shit, sorry,” Sasuke muttered. He looked at the woman, “Are you okay, miss?”_

_Startled green eyes looked back at him and Sasuke was taken aback. He thought they were Sakura’s for a split second. They almost have the same shade and shape, except that this person had little flecks of yellow in them whilst Sakura’s were pure jades._

_‘Get your shit together. It’s only a color.’_

_She shook her head, “No! It’s fine. I was the one who was dumb, I took off my contacts. Sorry!”_

_He looked at the damage and said, “I’ll pay for your stained clothes. Both the coat and the pants; also the coffee.”_

_“No need! Please, it’s totally okay!”_

_Sasuke frowned, “Well then, at least let me pay for the laundry or the dry-cleaning service.” When he saw her about to object again he immediately told her, “I insist. Please.”_

_The lady pouted and Sasuke fought himself not to compare her again to Sakura._

_“Okay,” she acquiesced, albeit reluctantly. “Thank you, sad sir.”_

_He was in the middle of pulling a calling card for her when he heard it. Sasuke gave her a confused look and when she realized he was looking at her, she turned red in embarrassment._

_“Oh, sorry! Oh my god,” she exclaimed. “I- I just saw you there earlier with the long-haired dude. And... when he left, I saw you looking s-sad since you were facing my direction. I apologize for my nosiness!” She bowed in respect._

_Sasuke tapped her shoulder, “Please don’t. It’s fine.” She slowly straightened her form again so he passed her his calling card. “This is my secretary’s calling card. Please send them the bill for your clothes. They’ll take care of it.”_

_When she took it and said her gratitude, Sasuke noticed her eyes again and he averted his gaze. “I gotta go. Sorry again for the trouble.”_

_The twinkle in those green eyes was in his mind as he hailed a cab back to his hotel. It won’t be the last time he would see them, and definitely not the last that he’ll think of_ her _._

_Whoever that may be._

* * *

His girl finally reaches him and his mother. Sasuke silently observes as she greets Mikoto with her usual energy and the Uchiha matriarch laughs at whatever she says. His chest feels full nowadays because of care and affection, mainly from these two.

Those said women in his life right now give him a secret glance and he playfully smirks at them, especially at his green-eyed date.

When he told himself last year that maybe he can find happiness somewhere too, he didn’t expect it would come with a name that literally means snow, reminding him that he is still in his perpetual winter.

In the beginning, he abhors this season. But with this newfound hope he got in his arms as they talk to his mother, now he can tolerate the cold winds and the dreadful frost of life doesn’t scare him anymore.

There is a new shade of green that brings color to his winter scheme and he sees it in the eyes of someone he’s now holding hands with. It may not evoke the same feelings he had with the first hue he had loved so dearly, but loving that jade color of the past taught him a lot of things.

It taught him that love _grows_ ; that love _endures_ ; that love _lasts_.

What he has right now might not yet be love, but now he is willing to try.

Because love most especially _waits_.

Love is waiting for everyone.

* * *

_~fin~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: after 3 long years, i have done it. this has been in my drafts for so long that i'm afraid i lost all the passion for it. this original ending's purpose is just to tie the remaining loose strings in sasuke's life. i didn't want him to be too miserable, of course, though i still want him to stay faithful to his love for sakura. even though that love doesn't necessarily mean a romantic one. i just want to show in this original ending that he can try to love again, even if it's not as intense or as deep or as real as he had with sakura. because let's face it-- there will be no one else for the both of them. it's just that reality is a bitch.
> 
> ps. this is dedicated to geli and ken. if not bc of their recent screaming about this fic years after i first wrote it, i won't be able to get itchy and finish this goddamn thing lmao love u both huhu now back to finishing the alternate ending and finally call this quits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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